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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:00:31 PM

gooddogbenji

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From: Toronto
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Why is it OK to bash skinny girls in these threads but not fat ones?

Yours,

benji

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:03:33 PM

SlaveAkasha

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From: Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

Why is it OK to bash skinny girls in these threads but not fat ones?

Yours,

benji

If you are responding to me, I would like to know where I bashed a skinny girl? I actually said something along the lines that if she lost weight, she should save her "new hot bod" for someone else. That doesn't say bash to me, it says her bod would be hot.

Akasha

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Post #: 62

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:09:54 PM

ready4more2005

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I have always been a lurker, but I am going to post here, because no one else seems to have covered this particular piece of the issue, as far as I can tell. And that is the statement he made about you losing the weight and he will have sex...end of issue...no more discussion.

I have found that being in a D/s relationship, even a casual encounter, requires that I trust my Dom more than ANY vanilla relationship that I have ever been involved in. And without trusting that he will discuss issues with me, fairly and with mutual respect, the trust fades. In my marriage of 10 years, I knew things were going to be ending when he started making these kind of non-negotiable statements of needs that I could not fill (in my marriage it was "I can't be with someone I have known for so long" but the point is the same). For my ex-husband and I, it was his way of trying to end the relationship without being the bad guy...insisting that I change something unchangeable and if I didn't clearly I didn't care enough to work to keep the relationship going.

Now, I am not going to even venture a guess about whether or not your Dom is saying something similar. But what I am going to say is that for whatever reason, he is setting up an impossible situation that will ruin your relationship. Even if you lost the weight, you would never be able to trust that there might not be something else. So, it seems that you really have two options. Try to talk with him about what is leading to this impasse (and I would suggest finding a therapist to help you...you can talk about a lack of sex without revealing the D/s if that makes you more comfortable), or decide that you choose not to be with someone who has stopped working to make the relationship work. Anyone who chooses to remain in a relationship with you, when one of your very strong needs is not being met, is not a loving person. People deserve to have all their needs met, and whether he can't meet yours because of physical issues with him, or lack of attraction, either way, his not letting you go is NOT a loving act.

Take your time...if you want to finish school first, do it. But talk to someone about why you are allowing someone who denies a huge, intrinsic part of you, why you are allowing them to make you feel less than anyone else. Someone will love you for all of you...you don't need to stay with someone who only loves part of you (and I DON'T mean your weight).

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Post #: 63

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:14:14 PM

gooddogbenji

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I wasn't replying specifically to you, but I always forget about the little thing that tells us who we are replying to.

Sorry!

Yours,

benji

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Post #: 64

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:20:26 PM

SlaveAkasha

Posts: 726
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From: Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

I wasn't replying specifically to you, but I always forget about the little thing that tells us who we are replying to.

Sorry!

Yours,

benji

Thank you, it's okay.. was just checking cause I didn't think I did..lol.. but it's a Friday night, and it's been a long ass week..

Akasha

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Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

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Post #: 65

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:22:30 PM

defiantbadgirl

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I have to disagree that he cares about you. He stays home all day and you don't know what he does? How does he pay the bills or do you? I think he stayed with you for so many years because he's using you. Forget about the weight issue. YOU ALREADY LOST WEIGHT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. This guy has serious problems. There are 4 possibilities.
1.He's cheating
2.He caught an uncurable STD by cheating and doesn't want to tell you.
3. He's gay and doesn't want to come out of the closet because he knows he won't be able to live off you anymore.
4. He can't get it up.

Some Ideas:

Take a day off and spy on him and/or have a friend you trust come on to him.
Tape Viagra commercial, tell him you taped a good movie, walk out, stay out all night.
Pack your things and as you are leaving, remind him that YOU LOST WEIGHT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. Then tell him you want a real dom, not a faggit

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Post #: 66

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:29:42 PM

gooddogbenji

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Wow. Who has some unresolved issues?

A tad judgemental, perhaps?

Yours,

benji

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Post #: 67

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:33:38 PM

Morrigel

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Joined: 10/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gooddogbenji

Wow. Who has some unresolved issues?

A little advice, Benji: never try to start a fight with more than one woman at a time. I am able to ignore your passive-aggressive trolling, because I know what I intend when I speak. But manipulating others to create a shitestorm will not make you a popular boy.

If you want to be despised and verbally abused, save it for a scene. This is a chat forum.

--M

< Message edited by Morrigel -- 10/20/2006 5:34:11 PM >

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:34:44 PM

LongArms

Posts: 108
Joined: 1/23/2005
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I have read many posts here concerning what is the most valuable quality in any D/s relationship. Many of you have stated, and agreed, that trust and communication rank in the top five. What I see in aurora's OP is there is no communication at all. She states that this is partly her fault because she cries. Would any Dom, worth a hoot, just walk away never to return to the issue. Communication barriers are just like soft limits. It is something we approach carefully, insist that it be examined in a clear and calm manner, and then decide how best to progress beyond that point. To me, the fact that he walks away from the issue is a clear statement that he is no longer interested in any progress...for whatever reason.

Because of his unwillingness to control his submissive on the communication issue, there is now a huge trust issue. She does not trust him, nor his word. She has made honest attempts to address his stated lack of interest by losing a large amount of weight, only to again be turned away... and again by walking away from her while "communicating". How could she possibly trust him after that.

~aurora~ To you I would have to say, the choice is all yours. Stay until you have that which you need and then seek your happiness with a clear mind. You have fulfilled your promise to be a dedicated slave to your master, as long as he is your Master. He has made his choice already, you are under his roof but he is no longer your Master.

Good Luck and best wishes!

LongArms

< Message edited by LongArms -- 10/20/2006 5:36:47 PM >

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:42:03 PM

gooddogbenji

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Morrigel

A little advice, Benji: never try to start a fight with more than one woman at a time. I am able to ignore your passive-aggressive trolling, because I know what I intend when I speak. But manipulating others to create a shitestorm will not make you a popular boy.

I think it was a valid question, but that is an opinion. I also think it was an accurate statement of sorts, but again, opinion.

"Passive-aggressive trolling." Honestly, I don't think that goes far enough. Downright asshole may be more accurate. Or "misunderstood sociopath," I always liked that one. Maybe even "Complete fucking douchebagging prick."

Your choice, not mine.

Yours,

benji

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 5:57:43 PM

defiantbadgirl

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I assume you refer to my old bondage partner. There is a BIG difference between a guy not having sex with ANYONE before marriage because he's religious and a guy that starts out having sex with a woman and then stops. The suggestions I offered would help her with her self esteem and make this guy feel like the worm he is.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:00:45 PM

popeye1250

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quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

A persons life should not be valued depending on their weight.

It isn't but sexually it is a part of your life.
Can you possably imagine what I'd look like if I went up to 330 lbs?
Not to mention the serious health issues it causes which a lot of people would prefer to sweep under the rug.
Putting on 70-80 lbs in 6 years is a very serious health matter.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:07:13 PM

Daddysredhead

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quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

Putting on 70-80 lbs in 6 years is a very serious health matter.

She didn't put that much on in 6 years, that's what the man she is involved with wants her to lose. She already said that she was at this weight in the beginning, not that she gained it recently.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:11:05 PM

defiantbadgirl

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Losing weight for someone who is out of shape is always a good idea. I need to lose some weight myself. However, her weight has no bearing on her relationship. She already proved that when she lost the weight and he still didn't have sex with her. This guy is either suffering from erectile dysfunction, has another woman on the side, or he turned gay. He's only staying with her so he can live off of her or because he never has to cook, clean, or do laundry. He's a freeloader.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:27:45 PM

SlaveAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

A persons life should not be valued depending on their weight.

It isn't but sexually it is a part of your life.
Can you possably imagine what I'd look like if I went up to 330 lbs?
Not to mention the serious health issues it causes which a lot of people would prefer to sweep under the rug.
Putting on 70-80 lbs in 6 years is a very serious health matter.

I just can't understand why you think it is soooooooo impossible for someone to not only not care about extra weight, but to find it attractive. You have some sort of hang-up here, and it's your issue. I think if I were you, I would delve into my fears and my judgements and find out from where they come.

She didn't gain that weight, she weighed it when they got together. No, being obese is not healthy in most cases, I don't think anyone says it is. It is however, not a reason to treat someone in the way he is. It's pure emotional abuse and a way to put everything on her and not take any responsibility for his own actions.

I wouldn't care if you weighed 330lbs, nothing about you is attractive to a lot of people without that extra weight on your frame. We all like what we like, if you don't like it..that's fine, but quit assuming that NO ONE else does.

Akasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:34:32 PM

Daddysredhead

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*ditto*

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Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:50:54 PM

SexyRed

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No one, and I mean NO ONE should stay in a relationship where the person makes them feel badly about themselves. And no one needs to be in a sexless relationship.

It is clear to me that he knew what she looked like when they met and they are both staying with each other for the wrong reasons. Using each other is fine, but when one party is crying all the time and frustrated, it would be better to cut your losses and live by yourself.

Independence and self esteem is a beautiful thing. No one needs a man that bad.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:51:55 PM

ChaOz

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Joined: 10/11/2006
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You have been his slave a long time which means everything you are, he is responsible for. If you feel like shit and have low self esteem then it is because he created that within you. Sounds like he has been trying to change you from day one, never accepted you for who you are. Two things. He either has little respect for you which seems evident by the way he has gone about the fat issue and destroyed your confidence. Or some men use emotional abuse to keep a woman. Tell her she is fat, ugly, stupid or whatever and its hard for her to walk away. Her self esteem is ruined becasue after a while she believes it. So either he wants you to be some fantasy that your not, or he just is scared of losing you so ruins you emotionally and makes you keep telling yourself your a cow etc so that your too hurt to walk away. Either way, get out of the relationship. I dont think he has offered you the support and care a Dom should give. If you were to look at yourself before you started with him, and look at yourself now.. I dont think it would be pleasant.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:56:06 PM

defiantbadgirl

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I've seen alot of very overweight men on talk shows telling their girlfriends and wives that they are overweight when the men were more out of shape than the women. I wonder how in shape her dom is himself.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:56:15 PM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
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From: New Hampshire
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

A persons life should not be valued depending on their weight.

It isn't but sexually it is a part of your life.
Can you possably imagine what I'd look like if I went up to 330 lbs?
Not to mention the serious health issues it causes which a lot of people would prefer to sweep under the rug.
Putting on 70-80 lbs in 6 years is a very serious health matter.

I just can't understand why you think it is soooooooo impossible for someone to not only not care about extra weight, but to find it attractive. You have some sort of hang-up here, and it's your issue. I think if I were you, I would delve into my fears and my judgements and find out from where they come.

She didn't gain that weight, she weighed it when they got together. No, being obese is not healthy in most cases, I don't think anyone says it is. It is however, not a reason to treat someone in the way he is. It's pure emotional abuse and a way to put everything on her and not take any responsibility for his own actions.

I wouldn't care if you weighed 330lbs, nothing about you is attractive to a lot of people without that extra weight on your frame. We all like what we like, if you don't like it..that's fine, but quit assuming that NO ONE else does.

Akasha