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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:46:15 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		aurora - I get the feeling you know what this situation is about, how it will continue and most importantly what you feel you need to do about it.

I also get the feeling that what youre asking for here is support in doing what you feel you need to do about it. Thats understandable.

So for the record, yes, I would support you in doing what you need to do about it.

The world is too big, and life too short, for you to not do what is required. Plan it all out first, is all I would advise.

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:50:30 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

I guess i am just really devoted.


Devoted?  Giving up your happiness, wants, and needs for another person is not devoted, it's called being a martyr.  Expecting you to be a size 9 is unrealistic.  And it is probably in the "underweight" category for your height.  I think you should work on buidling up your self-esteem and then seek someone who can appreciate all of you.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:51:07 AM   
DivaExMachina


Posts: 15
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline 		I guess you already know what choices you have:

1.  Lose weight and see if he desires you again.  But as you said you've already tried this and it failed.  Are you prepared to keep trying and failing for another six years?
2.  Resign yourself to a sexless relationship with this man for the rest of your life.
3.  Leave him so that he can find someone he feels is satisfactory and you can find someone who appreciates your devotion and submissiveness.

I wonder whether Lady Ellen had it right.  Maybe he does have some kind of erectile problems.  It seems very odd that he would go into a relationship with someone he finds to be unattractive.  Especially if, as you say, you lost a lot of weight and it still wasn't good enough.  The fact that he refuses to discuss it and walks away from you is also suspicious.

I really empathise with you.  It must be difficult to constantly have your self esteem undermined by someone you love.  If I was with a man like that I would feel emotionally starved.

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:51:33 AM   
WindOWillow


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/12/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for writing your very touching story Subartist. I'm happy that you found someone so loving.

Have you Master cloned so we all can experience such a lovely man!


(in reply to subartist4dom)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:51:34 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

Really, let's not go there - women are beautiful in whatever size, shape, color, or age.


Wise words TGD.

I have never yet met a woman who lacks that spark of female essence that makes all women beautiful - regardless of any other factor. Indefinable as it might be, immeasurable as it is, its there.

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:53:07 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with truesub4u. You posted this same crap last month.

(in reply to DivaExMachina)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:53:30 AM   
ToGiveDivine


Posts: 650
Status: offline 		slaveaurora,

Everyone has preferences and that's just the way it is.  There is nothing wrong with you and I know there are other Doms out there that would find you incredibly hot and wouldn't be able to keep off of you.

You have 3 choices as I see it:

1) Stay with your current Master under the current conditions and just accept it.
2) Move on and find a new Master that thinks you are sexy and wants you every night
3) Stay with your current Master and see if he'd enjoy having surrogates come over and have sex with you (No flames please, it's just an option)

Whatever you choose, don't think less of yourself because your current Master isn't interested in having sex with you; be true to yourself or you will not be happy

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 8:03:54 AM   
subartist4dom


Posts: 40
Status: offline 		Just let me work the kinks out of the cloning machine and I'll clone another of my master just for you willow

(in reply to WindOWillow)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 8:09:33 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora
when I came here 6 1/2 yrs ago I was this exact same weight.   Master suggested that I try to lose some of it, so I got busy and lost 70lbs.   It didn't change anything, because I wasn't quite small enough.  I was finally in to a size 15/16 which I hadn't been since I graduated high school.  Master told me that when I could get into a size 9 he would be impressed.  (He now denies ever saying that, so maybe I imagined it). 


aurora,
You state your weight at 220. If you lost 70 lbs that would put you at 150. And that was a size 15/16? I'm having a hard time figuring that out. I'm 5ft2 and at 150 wear a 10-12.

But regardless.....I really think that weight in this circumstance is the scapegoat and not the real issue.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 8:20:44 AM   
ToGiveDivine


Posts: 650
Status: offline 		Personally, it's about imagination and personality over looks.

I'd prefer a 400 pound woman that was fun in and out of bed than a super-model type that was a cold fish.  I mean, blow up dolls have no personality (so I've been told, thank you very much) so why would you settle for someone that look good but had nothing to offer.

This is SO cliche, but it's what on the inside that matters.

The "weight" topic is about as annoying as the "size matters" topic.  Please, a guy with 8 inches and excellent talent is better than 5 inches with excellent talent - and a guy with 5 inches and excellent talent is more fun than commando cock saying, "me not sure, but me stick this in you now"  ROFL

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 8:31:59 AM   
Aubre


Posts: 478
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		The bottom line is, you haven't had sex in 6 years - there is no guarantee that if you lose the weight he will have sex with you. Find someone who will accept you the way you are.

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 8:34:49 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

According to the bmi, a weight of 138-169 is healthy for 5'9". Of course bmi is just a guide, people have differences.

My issue is what happened 6 months after they were together? Did she gain a lot of weight?

And saying that he's a Master and can do anything, that's just an excuse for not improving her situation. Anyone can say "I'm a Master and I can do anything". Whatever, doesn't make it a reason to stay in a bad situation.



My doctor told me that the BMI is crap based on faulty science that considers really only two factors -- sex, and height. She looks at your health, your age, your heritage and your own body's physical make up, your health history, as well as the above factors plus the ratio of muscle to fat tissue.

My doctor is also the doctor to several models, both male and female, and she personally considers them some of the most unhealthy out there plus she told me they routinely lie about their weight which just creates more problems for the general public. She told me that if she ever makes enough money to stop her practice she's thinking of writing a book to expose the great lies our culture and the health care profession tells us about weight.

And no, she is not in any way overweight so she isn't biased by her own body.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 8:35:57 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		Before delving into the weight issue what raises my ears in the description I have heard is what Lady Ellen brought up. Is he seeing other women to take care of his sexual needs? If he is not, then I wonder if his problem with your weight is not just an excuse and he is the one with the problem in the sexual area. I cannot believe that in six years a normal person if he is cannot get horny every now and then. The people who say we are attracted to what we are, I do agree with, but why was he in the relationship to begin with and six years?

Personally I question just how wonderful a Master he could be if a major human drive like sex is taken away from a person you are suppose to care about and using their weight as an excuse and have to know that is a huge hit to a person's self esteem.

I would encourage you to lose weight, but more for health purposes then thinking he might change. For all those reccomended height/weight charts are simply only guidelines and never can factor in many variables in the difference in the human bodies. Never take them as gospel. Generally doctors who truly know their patients will look for if the weight is taxing the body in some way and not how well you look in a swimsuit. In very vague terms, if you cannot exercise on a somewhat strenous level safely then you are in a risk situation.

My advice would be to have a serious sit down talk to him and put the discussion squarely on him and his sexual needs and not for him to blow you off by using your weight. In the end though, it is just possible you are going to have to make a decision if you can stay in a sexless relationship or if you want to move on.




(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 8:42:08 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

~fast reply~

I appreciate everything that has been said so far. Just to clear up a couple things.... I have never posted this same story before to my knowledge, unless I was having a brain fart and don't remember.

Also as several of you have asked/wondered... when I came here 6 1/2 yrs ago I was this exact same weight. Master suggested that I try to lose some of it, so I got busy and lost 70lbs. It didn't change anything, because I wasn't quite small enough. I was finally in to a size 15/16 which I hadn't been since I graduated high school. Master told me that when I could get into a size 9 he would be impressed. (He now denies ever saying that, so maybe I imagined it).

I did not wait 6 yrs to bring this up, it has been ongoing the entire time. Master doesn't like talking about it and will walk away from me if i bring it up, so it never gets discussed. Last night I asked him if we were ever going to have sex again, (this took a lot of nerve for me to ask) and he said, maybe if you lose some weight. Then he walked away and said he answered my question and wasn't going to discuss it anymore.

I also want to add, that Master and I get along fine, hardly ever argue, and do have a lot of good times together, it is just sexless. I told him last night that I won't spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship. I have let it go on this long, because I felt that things might change, and that I owed myself, Him and the relationship a chance to fix things before just giving up and walking away.
I guess i am just really devoted.

~aurora~


Size 9 for someone 5'9"? Are you crazy? I've known stick girls that height, there was no way that a size 9 would fit them. Could they get thinner? Probably but they'd start to have some serious health problems not the least of which may be hormonal problems.

Women are not supposed to be skinny -- we are supposed to have some fat on us to help us produce the hormones that in part make us women. I strongly believe that this fantasination with skinny women is really hatred of women in disguise.

Personally I'm sick of this bullshit about the BMI and references to charts.

Screw the charts and see a doctor for a while who will take into consideration all the factors of your health and then see if you might want to lose weight.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 9:02:00 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

But is there more to this I'm also wondering? Does he seek out sex with other women?



aurora, this is a good question, the answer to this part is the missing piece, and i am sure if you know the answer, you really do have your final answers.  
 
Here is something else to consider.  Not a slam at all. But are you desperate enough to stay with a Master, that you would sacrifice a big part of yourself?  What are your fears in this area?  And if you have those fears, how strongly do they affect your motivations and desires?  If you left this Master, do you feel so crushed within yourself value and esteem that you fear never being "good enough" to believe that perhaps there is another Master out there who would be more accepting of who you are, weight and all?  Are you afraid of being alone for a time? Think about why you truly are with your Master, not for what he has to offer to you in the way of protection, companionship, etc., but by what YOU have to offer.  How valuable do you see yourself?

(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 12:39:42 PM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		5'9" and 220, come sit on my lap then. Women were meant to have curves and to turn heads.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 12:54:20 PM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		Weight is a relative thing.  Different people have different heights and bone masses.  For example, my sister and I are the same height, but I have small bones and almost no boobs where she has a medium to large bone structure and boobs I could wish for.  Of course she's heavier than I am!  For her body build, she looks just fine.  I weigh around 125 right now, and I still need to tone up and lose a few more pounds.  I look ridiculous with a fat ass and no boobs.  My build is the type you see in gymnists, figure skaters, and runners.  I'm not supposed to be very big.  *shrug*  Everyone's different.  Keeps things interesting.
 
The REAL issue here for you doesn't seem to be your weight, though.  This is a relationship problem.  If he won't talk to you, then you have a very serious problem.  I would go so far as to suggest that you insist that he talk to you honestly for as long as it takes to have the truth out... or you're just leaving.  Make him show his cards.  How much does he really care that you stay?  Does he value you?  If so, how and why?
 
Just some thoughts.
 
zuma

(in reply to shadevarr)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:02:02 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

He told me it was because I am too fat, and he is not attracted to me in that way anymore, and suggested that I lose some weight.   I am 5'9" and 220lbs, and I agree that I need to lose about 70-80 lbs.  That is the obvious solution, but....    my feelings are hurt that He doesn't accept me as I am, and my self esteem has been crushed.   

 
Were you this weight when he took you on?
quote:


My feeling is that if He doesn't accept me as I am now, He won't accept me if I lose weight.  He says he does accept me as i am, or i wouldn't be here.   He seems to prefer ladies that are 4'9" and 90lbs, and i have told Him that I will never be that.   He says He just wants me to be more h/w proportionate. 

 
He evidently has a preference. He can be just as "hurt" because you are not acknowledging HIS preferences.
quote:

 
The bottom line is i am having a hard time getting rid of the weight because i feel like i am doing it just so he will want me sexually, and my hurt feelings and crushed self esteem are getting in the way.  

 
Whatever you do in life.. do it for you.   If you agree with him.. do it to the best of your ability.. if it just doesn't work..then move on instead of trying to make HIM wrong. 
 
We can acknowledge obesity is a body shape, an epidemic, a medical problem. We cannot expect everyone to like it.
 
This whole D/s is a fantasy.. and he has his fantasy of perfection.  We all do.  The trick is to find someone where the fantasies are the same.
quote:
 
I realize as  a Master He can do what He wishes, or demand what He wishes, but this is at the cost of my self confidence and self esteem.   
 

 
No one can take your self-esteem without your permission.

quote:


I guess my question is how do i get past this?    Aside from sucking it up and losing the weight, is there any other advice?   


It all depends. Who collared who here?  What does it all mean to you? No one can answer that question but yourself.  But in the doing, ask yourself how often this weight issue comes up in your life?  If you feel it is unreasonable, please find another master and don't expect that brow beating or whining about the weight issue is going to change his mind. 
quote:
PS... please don't slam me for posting this. 
 
~aurora~



And please don't slam me for taking a dangerous  perspective of the gorilla in the living room.  It's not always everybody else's fault.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 10/20/2006 1:03:46 PM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:08:47 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Expecting people to change or expecting yourself to change in order to become something that someone else wants you to be in unfair and, ultimately, unlikely to happen. Change only comes about because we want it to. In cases like these (and I have SO been there), our Prostitute archetypes are in full swing. Ask yourself, "Would you sell yourself for sex?" The answer is probably no. Now, ask yourself,  "Would you sell yourself for love?" This is the bottom line questions. What are you willing to trade or sell in order to maintain the relaitonship?

At the gut level, this isn't about you trading 70 lbs for the relationship, it about you trading your self acceptance and self esteem. Let's say you loose the weight. There are two things that can happen: he's thrilled with you OR he finds another reason to not have sex with you. In either case, you are basing your self acceptance and self esteem on HIS opinion. While I understand your desire to please him as a submissive, relying on someone else for your self worth is not healthy.

If you do decide that you want to loose the weight (for some, it's not a bad trade), have you asked him to HELP you? To perhaps help you research an appropriate diet and help you maintain an exercise program? If he wants this change in you and you decide to do it, he has a responsibility as your Master to guide you in the change, in my opinion.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:11:59 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Hello slaveaurora,

This part of your post prompted me to write.

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

I did not wait 6 yrs to bring this up, it has been ongoing the entire time.  Master doesn't like talking about it and will walk away from me if i bring it up, so it never gets discussed.  Last night I asked him if we were ever going to have sex again, (this took a lot of nerve for me to ask) and he said, maybe if you lose some weight.  Then he walked away and said he answered my question and wasn't going to discuss it anymore. 
 
I also want to add, that Master and I get along fine, hardly ever argue, and do have a lot of good times together, it is just sexless.    I told him last night that I won't spend the rest of my life in a sexless relationship.   I have let it go on this long, because I felt that things might change, and that I owed myself, Him and the relationship a chance to fix things before just giving up and walking away.  
I guess i am just really devoted.   
 
~aurora~


I have nothing to say about your weight/height etc because to me, that's irrelevant compared to the part of your post that I underlined.

To be met with that kind of dismissal would be incredibly crushing whatever issue it was about. There's a big difference between *not arguing* because problems aren't being aired or spoken about, and avoiding areas of contention altogether.

The situation you described is one that could have been swiped straight from my *vanilla* marriages.....it's not at all something I have come to expect from being a slave.

If something is a problem......it HAS to be sorted out, one way or the other.....but it cannot fester like a *running sore* without awful consequences. I'd be so disillusioned if my relationship was this way......not because I wasn't *making the mark* but because of the way it was being handled.

One of my huge worries would have been how my Master could go without sex for 6 yrs, if he was dissatisfied with ME........and not *fix* the problem in one way or another.  HE would force the issue......he'd not leave it be and let it float on because HE is in the driving seat.

agirl







(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 40
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