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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:19:19 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I'm curious about why your equating your Master not finding you sexually attractive with him not accepting you.  I can understand that its an owie, but I think the fact that you yourself say that he's been good to you and that he's been with you for 6 years seems to suggest that he does accept you.  He just doesn't find you sexy.

There's lots of people I like, respect, admire and whos company I enjoy who I don't find attractive and aren't especially interested in from a physical point of view.  I have strong preferences for guys with dark hair and eyes and can't imgagine myself being wowed by a guy with blonde hair and blue eyes.  I really don't like skinny guys or the hard body type.  But, this doesn't mean I don't accept them as they are.  They may be fine people.  It just means I wouldn't jump in the sack with them.  I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you might want to rethink the way your conceptualizing the problem.  That its affecting your self esteem so much might be because you place alot of weight on your sexual attractiveness but, this really isn't his problem.

If this makes sense to you, I guess one thing you could do besides "suck it up and lose weight" is reflect on whether or not you want to invest so much in your physical attractiveness.  You could focus on what postitives you bring to the relationship. 




(in reply to zumala)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:21:37 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I'd think after 6 1/2 years if your not size 9-10-12 or any size he finds attractive. You really need to start thinking about living life for yourself.
How much more of your time are you willing to waste on this guy.
You only get one chance to make the most of this life
You dont get a second. So start now.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:23:25 PM   
naughtygeisha


Posts: 32
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline 		As a true Dom and a great friend once told me, "geisha, looks fade,bodies wither but your brain is your most valuable asset to your chosen One,never forget that you are worth more than your outside appearance to Him." it is something that i still go by with anyone i talk to. Just some simple words of wisdom.

_____________________________

Submission is the greatest gift there is , Why throw it away, cherish it and be cherished

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:37:32 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Hmmm........I'm not sure that a problem can be totally *his or hers*...... it affects the whole relationship. I was perfectly used to that in my marriages but certainly not as as a slave.

Maybe I have a strange way of viewing things or maybe my relationship is strange........but I'm used to my Master making sure that what's required/needed/wanted/best/ actually happens. What is the point of having a Master......if he does not master?....Not only that ...but actively avoids?

agirl  

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:54:27 PM   
eruditegirl1


Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

I have been a slave to Master for 6 1/2 yrs, and for the past 6 yrs it has been a sexless relationship.   Master is a wonderful person and is a very dominate Man and he treats me well.   The problem is, He won't have sex with me.   The first 6 months of our relationship was great, and then it all stopped. 
 
He told me it was because I am too fat, and he is not attracted to me in that way anymore, and suggested that I lose some weight.   I am 5'9" and 220lbs, and I agree that I need to lose about 70-80 lbs.  That is the obvious solution, but....    my feelings are hurt that He doesn't accept me as I am, and my self esteem has been crushed.   
 
My feeling is that if He doesn't accept me as I am now, He won't accept me if I lose weight.  He says he does accept me as i am, or i wouldn't be here.   He seems to prefer ladies that are 4'9" and 90lbs, and i have told Him that I will never be that.   He says He just wants me to be more h/w proportionate. 
 
The bottom line is i am having a hard time getting rid of the weight because i feel like i am doing it just so he will want me sexually, and my hurt feelings and crushed self esteem are getting in the way.   I realize as  a Master He can do what He wishes, or demand what He wishes, but this is at the cost of my self confidence and self esteem.  
 
I guess my question is how do i get past this?    Aside from sucking it up and losing the weight, is there any other advice?   
 
PS... please don't slam me for posting this. 
 
~aurora~




Just a couple of thoughts for you......
I know as well as anyone...losing weight is a conscious decision.....I have gone up and down the scales my whole life.....you said you lost 70 lbs and he still wouldn't be with you sexually....so you put the weight back on...don't blame you...might as well be full and frusterated than hungry and frusterated....but there has to be underlying reasons behind this.....my first thought...was you are keeping the weight on as a power struggle.....
Another thought was your self image.....until you love you for you....extra weight, zit on the chin or anything else ...you must embrace yourself...sometimes we tend to feel about ourselves the image others project on us...in this case...he may make you feel unworthy and fat...you can't change him...but you can change you...stand in front of a mirror naked....look at you...don't put yourself down...put yourself up...for instance...."I have nice tits...not bad for a 41 year old...still a little perk left in them" or...." Wow...nice ass....full round and baby got back".....anytime you have a negative thought about yourself...conteract it with a positive thought....in time you will be happy being you...and isn't that what matters...not sex with a man who doesn't find you attractive....

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 1:57:21 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear slaveaurora, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I am a dominant who would enjoy being in a 'sexless' relationship.  But, I am also up front about it as well.  I don't entrap someone and then once caught find out they're not into sex but, more sexually excited and satisfied through service, e.g. personal and or domestic service, and not the sexual act.
 
What I see is that there are a lot of excuses going back and forth.  And, men loosing their lead in their pencil will start making excuses why they don't wish to have sex.  Its really their sexual malfunctioning that scares them the most as everything 'hangs out in the open.'  I also think that not all men are stud muff'ns that are ready to rape anything that looks like they're living.  Tailpipes on vehicles isn't getting them very far. 
 
People who make excuses why they don't wish sexual relationships will make new ones up when you shove the previous excuses aside, in this case a loss of weight.
 
Problem might not be you at all--but, him.  Might be he is medically, emotionally, physically wrestling with something.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs 
 
 

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 2:17:44 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		 Hello Ladyhugs,


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHugs

People who make excuses why they don't wish sexual relationships will make new ones up when you shove the previous excuses aside, in this case a loss of weight.
 
Problem might not be you at all--but, him.  Might be he is medically, emotionally, physically wrestling with something.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs 
 


What I'd really find uncomfortable is having the issue/problem pushed aside for ANY reason.  That's maybe a *me* thing..........but a simple thing like size/height/weight  is sortable. Being sexually attractive to someone is NOT so sortable, if it's based on size alone. I'd be crushed if it wasn't something that could be comfortably spoken of.

agirl

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 2:47:27 PM   
slaveaurora


Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline 		There has been a lot of wonderful advice given, and it has given me much to think about.    One of the questions that has come up over and over again is, is he getting sex elsewhere?   I don't think he is, but I can't be 100% sure.  I am gone most of the time, and he is home all the time, so what he does with his days I don't know.   And it is none of my business.   ( we have had this discussion before)

As for me, I am trying to live my life and do things for me.  For instance, I am in college full time and will graduate in May '07 with an associates degree as an RT(R).   (radiological technologist, radiology)    I am partly responsible for us not communicating about the topic of this thread.   I always get my feelings hurt and end up crying because it is always the same answer, i am too fat.   Whatever....i  find it easier to just put it on the back burner and leave it alone...out of sight, out of mind.  
However, there are times when I get horny and I wish I had someone to fuck, rather than masterbate all the time. (forgive my bluntness)   It is during these times that I comtemplate talking to him about it.  Last night I got up enough nerve, only to get the same answer as always, and him walking away.  He doesn't like discussing it because I get upset and cry, and he doesn't want to hear it. 

I am staying here until I finish college.   I can keep hoping that something will change between now and then, but reality tells me it won't.   So, at that time, I will give some real serious thought about what is best for ME.   Right now best for ME is finishing school and getting that degree, so that I can take care of myself, and be awarded some level of independance.   Not to mention what it will do for my self confidence and self esteem. 

As for how I feel about myself, sometimes when I am walking into the hospital in the morning in my scrubs and I see my reflection is the window, I think, cripe what a cow!      On the other hand friends have told me that I am not "fat", just "fluffy".   They don't consider me obese, just curvy as they say.   
To address another comment, I am rather large boned/framed.    I am definately not petite, and never will be. 

As far as how I feel about myself, I think I am a good person.  I have a great personality, I love to laugh, and I have a true submissive heart.  I will put other people's needs ahead of my own, especially those that I care about.  I love to cook, but baking is my thing, however Master won't let me bake for obvious reasons.   I like to eat what I make.  

Thanks to everyone who has offered some advice, I appreciate the insight.  
If anyone has any questions that I have not addressed, please message me on the other side and I will answer you.   
As for what my future holds, who knows....  I will know in due time. 

~aurora~

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 3:59:19 PM   
WhipTheHip


Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline 		For many people, losing weight is not simply a matter of exercising more
and eating less, any more than the cure for depression is smiling and
laughing more and crying less.  If the issue was this simple, we could
just tell anorexics to eat more and exercise less.    This is an area that
is not fully understood by science today. 
 
You have to determine if you would be happier in another relationship
or not.   It is not your fault or his fault that he does not find you sex with
appealing.    We all have different tastes.  You can't condemn him for
his tastes, and he cannot condemn you for being the weight you are.
 
Cheers,
Michael

_____________________________



(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:02:02 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Aurora, how did you manage to put on 70-80 lbs in that time?
No excercise, too much food, med condition?
I'm a male 6' tall and I weigh 220 and I'm trying to lose another 10 lbs.  If you're female and 5'9" that's way too much.
Weight is a killer.

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:07:07 PM   
DevilsVendetta


Posts: 63
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		I have a small thing I'd like to bring up. Everyone keeps bashing this master for not appreciating what he has and that you could find someone better.
Granted they are right in the sense that there are a lot of Doms that like bigger women, but by the same token, if this weight issue has affected your master this much, then I give him props on one thing. You all ask how she stays with him for 6 years without sex.... you have to realise... he stayed with you as well. You meant enough to him that despite not being physically attracted to you, you stayed together for 6 years. Sure there are Doms who like voluptous women, but how many Doms would stay with a women they are not attracted to. Cut this guy some slack, he cares about you.


_____________________________

God is naught but the values that surround him, my honor is the only deity I will give lip service

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:18:17 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Perhaps he likes being able to sit around all day while she is out.
then she comes home and cooks him dinner and most likey any thing else he wants done. He is playing a major part in distroying her self esteem, and wont discuss or help. He cares for her? 

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to DevilsVendetta)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:20:48 PM   
DevilsVendetta


Posts: 63
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps your right, again we're all speculating here.

But do tell me, how do you tell someone your not sexually attracted to them because of their weight in a nice way


_____________________________

God is naught but the values that surround him, my honor is the only deity I will give lip service

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:22:49 PM   
SlaveAkasha


Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I was in a sexless relationship for three months, and it was awful.  I found out though, that it had nothing to do with me, it was he that couldn't perform.  I wonder if maybe your Master is having that type of issue, and just doesn't want to admit it.
 
You are a healthy woman, with a natural desire for sex, if he wants to play this game with you, I say get out and find someone that can appreciate the sexy you.
 
I stepped outside of my relationship a few times, and I don't regret it a bit.  He did the same thing, tried to push it off on me, "oh, you're too tight", or "oh, you get too wet".. screw that.. he couldn't get a hard-on to save his life.
 
He is using this as an excuse to put you down, and you shouldn't put up with it.  If this is the way you want to live though, and it does seem that way because you have stayed with him for so long, then I say go with it and don't complain.
 
You can walk away though, you can find someone that will accept you for the person you are.. if I were you, this is what I would do.  You deserve to be happy in all parts of your life, even the sexual part.. whether you are a sub/slave or not, doesn't change that.
 
I am not slamming you hun, but I have lived with it, not only in the three month one, but in a four year one.  I will never, ever do that again.. I am worth having it all, and so are you.
 
Akasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to slaveaurora)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:25:38 PM   
Morrigel


Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DevilsVendetta
But do tell me, how do you tell someone your not sexually attracted to them because of their weight in a nice way.


How about:  "I release you from your collar.  Go out and find yourself a new master...I am not right for you, nor you for me."

And then you go buy yourself a thirteen-year-old "wife" in Thailand, which sounds like what he's really looking for.

Maybe that sounds harsh, but it's a hell of a lot nicer than keeping someone as an unhappy, undersexed slave for six years.  No, maybe she's not entitled to sex if he doesn't want her--but she IS entitled to find someone who does.  Because someone sure as hell would--she's obviiously a peach, and not everyone is a shallow retard.

--M


(in reply to DevilsVendetta)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:33:39 PM   
DevilsVendetta


Posts: 63
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		True.

But what struck me from the email was she was very happy with the relationship in every other respect, so I would agree with Akasha, if you want to stay with him, do so, and satisfy your needs elsewhere. He can't really blame you for it.


_____________________________

God is naught but the values that surround him, my honor is the only deity I will give lip service

(in reply to Morrigel)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:41:25 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yes it's true none of us know all of the details. I just hope if things are as she says- she will make  the changes she needs.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to DevilsVendetta)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:41:48 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Who cares about "self esteem", lose the weight first.
That "feel good" stuff never works out.

(in reply to Morrigel)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:47:06 PM   
swtnsparkling


Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		A persons life should not be valued depending on their weight.



_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please



(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 4:47:26 PM   
SlaveAkasha


Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

Who cares about "self esteem", lose the weight first.
That "feel good" stuff never works out.


She has every right to feel good about herself even if she doesn't lose weight.  This isn't about her weight, it's about her putting up with something for six years, that most wouldn't have put up with for a year.
 
This is his way of being able to deny her something, and coming up with an excuse. 
 
You do have the right to walk away, and be happy.. if you want to lose weight after that, fine.. more power to you, but don't waste all of that new hot body on the one that wouldn't give you want you needed the way you are.
 
Akasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to popeye1250)
Profile   Post #: 60
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