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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 6:58:21 PM

defiantbadgirl

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At least Popeye appears to be height/weight proportunate himself.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:10:54 PM

SlaveAkasha

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From: Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250

quote:

ORIGINAL: swtnsparkling

A persons life should not be valued depending on their weight.

It isn't but sexually it is a part of your life.
Can you possably imagine what I'd look like if I went up to 330 lbs?
Not to mention the serious health issues it causes which a lot of people would prefer to sweep under the rug.
Putting on 70-80 lbs in 6 years is a very serious health matter.

I just can't understand why you think it is soooooooo impossible for someone to not only not care about extra weight, but to find it attractive. You have some sort of hang-up here, and it's your issue. I think if I were you, I would delve into my fears and my judgements and find out from where they come.

She didn't gain that weight, she weighed it when they got together. No, being obese is not healthy in most cases, I don't think anyone says it is. It is however, not a reason to treat someone in the way he is. It's pure emotional abuse and a way to put everything on her and not take any responsibility for his own actions.

I wouldn't care if you weighed 330lbs, nothing about you is attractive to a lot of people without that extra weight on your frame. We all like what we like, if you don't like it..that's fine, but quit assuming that NO ONE else does.

Akasha

Akasha, that whole statement is full of assumptions.

That from someone that always seems to have the assumption or at least project the assumption that not only is it impossible for someone to find a person that is overweight attractive, but that they should be sent off someplace else to exist because NO ONE in their right mind would want to be around them.

Akasha

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:16:06 PM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

Who cares about "self esteem", lose the weight first.
That "feel good" stuff never works out.

Well that's an interesting perspective. I would say the exact opposite.

I would encourage her to continue on the course of completing her education, then finding self-sufficiency, while making some changes, such as watching what she eats and exercising. I think instead of trying to figure out what her Dom's dysfunction is, we should focus on what she can do to remedy the situation. That starts with her moving away from playing martyr and finding her strength.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:22:48 PM

defiantbadgirl

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I agree that she should complete her education and work toward self sufficiency. However, moving in with a friend will help her get away from his emotional abuse. I still like my ideas. This guy should be made to feel 2 inches tall for the way he has treated her. Plus, this might help her recover her self esteem.

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Post #: 84

RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:30:24 PM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I have to disagree that he cares about you. He stays home all day and you don't know what he does? How does he pay the bills or do you? I think he stayed with you for so many years because he's using you. Forget about the weight issue. YOU ALREADY LOST WEIGHT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. This guy has serious problems. There are 4 possibilities.
1.He's cheating
2.He caught an uncurable STD by cheating and doesn't want to tell you.
3. He's gay and doesn't want to come out of the closet because he knows he won't be able to live off you anymore.
4. He can't get it up.

Some Ideas:

Take a day off and spy on him and/or have a friend you trust come on to him.
Tape Viagra commercial, tell him you taped a good movie, walk out, stay out all night.
Pack your things and as you are leaving, remind him that YOU LOST WEIGHT AND IT DIDN'T WORK. Then tell him you want a real dom, not a faggit

quote:

Wow. Who has some unresolved issues?

A tad judgemental, perhaps?

Yours,

benji

Actually, I agree with her. But at the same time, I can not lay all blame at his feet. She stayed with him for 6 years AFTER the sex stopped. This has been an ongoing point of contention in their relationship. BOTH of them have been avoiding it; he by refusing to discuss it in detail, and she by refusing to stick to her guns and force him to discuss it.
I am sorry, but I don't care how much of a slave you are, or how devoted you are to a relationship. When something comes up that continues to degrade the relationship to this degree, it's time to do one of two things: speak up and refuse to be silenced or leave. Period.

I am sorry, but I seriously don't understand how someone could be that passive about their own emotional, and mental health. Auroa, you sound like an intelligent person who has a capable mind of her own. For the love of all that is good, it's time to use it.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:36:56 PM

LadyHugs

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Dear agirl, Ladies and Gentlemen;

Sometimes people do not know how to discuss a situation, so they shove away.

What I am wrestling with in my mind's eye the behavior of the Master and slave. When you have peer pressures as Masters, Mistresses and Dominants have, as well as being held to a different standard of performance, to include sex--that can be rather troublesome when a man is dealing with something that threatens that 'macho man' image.

It may not be a sexual problem but, the effects are sexual; whereas it effects sexual performances. I'm wondering out loud per se, if this Master is suffering from depression. Depression effects everybody, not just it's host. Depression shoves people away. Regardless why the Master is at home around the clock, such as disabilities, injury, depression and such; the depression controlled individual makes others depressed. Those struggling with depression do what they must to keep even the most best of friends at bay.

I wonder out loud, if the Master is seeing the slave growing and is internally struggling with a slave who is busting her hump in school and he is unable to feel that once she has her degree; she'll want him as is. Maybe she'll leave him after she gains her wings and career, that she won't need him anymore.

So many questions need to be asked, where both the Original Poster and the Master need to sit at the table and discuss.

But, I just sense that something other than her weight is the invisible wall.

Perhaps a kink friendly mental/emotional health professional may be of assistance.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:37:26 PM

demistress

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I'm sorry, but if she was able to lose that weight initially, she is making her own choice to be overweight. There are many men out there who find me "too big" for their tastes at a size 12/14, she's now 70 pounds above a 15/16 then she is a big woman, and she needs to find someone who is attracted to BIG women. I'm sorry, but berating him for being sexually stimulated by smaller women is counter productive. He already accepts her for who she is or he would have kicked her out, she needs to accept herself for who she is, AND HIM for who he is. If she's unwilling to lose the weight, that's fine, but don't expect him to pretend he finds her stimulating if he doesn't. Men are more visually stimulated then emotionally, so while he may love her, if he doesn't find her arousing, he SHOULD NOT be expected to pretend for 6+ years, and another however many years down the road. If she's staying, that's on her. Attraction can be based on a million things, so can unattractiveness.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:44:35 PM

juliaoceania

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fast reply.

If this is a marriage I am loathe to tell people they should leave their spouse, it just isn't my place. I am of the mind that one prepares themselves for whatever the outcome of the ultimate decision is... that means bettering themselves and doing things to improve self esteem outside of a relationship.

I was a little taken aback that one partner in a relationship never accounts for their time, and the other is seemingly supporting the household. It must be good to be Master.... makes me want to jump up and become a domme(not really..smiles).

The thing is, when someone's needs are continually unmet they usually will shed the extra weight... and this sub is carrying around a lot of it... the man that she is submitting herself to. Most doms I have seen post will say that if they do not take care of a sub's needs, well they probably are not going to be able to keep her...

Good luck to you OP, I would generally echo some of the sentiment here... work on yourself so no matter what, because that will translate into feeling good about yourself, and that will be mirrored back by the world in many little ways... helping you get some of your needs met until you can get them all met.

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 7:53:25 PM

defiantbadgirl

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But when she did lose the weight he still wouldn't have sex with her. This means her weight has nothing to do with why he isn't having sex with her. He obviously lied about his reason for no sex. He's hiding something.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 9:14:12 PM

ChaOz

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yeah he wasnt respectful and didnt support her in losing weight and reward her for doing so, the way he handled the whole issue just sucks

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 9:22:38 PM

toservez

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Wow did this thread explode since I was last on. First of all I will be upfront in my bias, the first hit and biggest hit my relationship with my former Master was that our relationship became alomost completely sexless. With that out front...

There is a reason or reasons that the OP is in a sexless relationship. Personally, for her, it does not matter what the reason is if no communication or searching for an answer is done. It is a problem and it is up to her if it is such a big problem for her to move on, fight like hell to find out and see what can be done or just live that way. Everybody here can go into theories based on all the information that has been given or on one piece of information depending on what there goal or reason to post is. Sorry but if he was never attracted to her, gay, a loser sponge or any other theory it simply does not matter if the OP and her other do not both know and are willing to do something about it.

Personally, my .02 opinion to throw into the ring is that she could lose all the weight in the world but that is not going to help, I just cannot guess at a specific reason and do not think that is the first or second step here.

In the end, slaveaurora, you are responsible for your own happiness and I wish you the best. Hopefully everything works out. But it certainly sounds like major communication is a must do and potential tough decisions are going to be in order if you want sex back in your life.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 9:53:21 PM

defiantbadgirl

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If she's afraid of being alone, she could always use her laptop at her college to get on this site and meet another dom. Then she would be simply trading one dom for another. Under normal circumstances, it's best not to go from one dom to another, but if her putting up with his emotional abuse is tied to her not wanting to be alone, then this would be a better option for her than staying.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/20/2006 10:32:40 PM

BDRAGON321

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~aurora~
As you have found out by now that your Master is not wanting to put a lot in to your well being by blowing you off. Sexless play is ok but in a relationship only if there is medical/health problem that provents it. The gift of giving yourself as a slave took a great deal of courage on your part and you will need to use that same courage to do what is best for you. I see in your profile you like Orgasm Control and Ass Play so you must get some attention and I did not see the one thought that was still missing from your messages. "Do you love him?" This is a factor that you can only answer? What ever you decide in regard to your weight and your relationship will be controlled by this one thing. Search your heart for the answer you need.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/21/2006 2:10:05 AM

Aubre

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If she found a partner that cared for her the way she is, and for who she is - she could be having sex now, and if she decided to lose weight she could be having sex during the weight loss process.

I agree with defiantbadgirl, seems like her weight loss is not really the issue.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/21/2006 2:21:26 AM

slaveaurora

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Well, it is almost 4am and I can't sleep, so here i am once again.

I thought I would try to address some of the things that have been brought up. I will start with the previous post. Do I love him?   Yes, but I am not "in love" with him. I could be very easily, but with him keeping me at arms length it is rather hard. I don't think he is "in love" with me either, but we do care about each other.

Ladyhugs mentioned the possibility of him being depressed.   Yes, I do think he is. He is not happy about being at home all the time, and he has tried to find a job, but to no avail. It gets very frustrating for him, and I am in the same boat.   I am not working either, I am at the hospital 24 hrs a week doing clinical rotations, but not getting paid, and also carrying a full class load of 12 credit hrs. I am hoping to find at least a part time job... how I am going to fit it all in, I don't know, but where there is a will, there is a way.

I do come home at night and cook, do laundry, study, clean the kitchen etc.   But, this is my job, I am a slave, and even if I wasn't it is still a woman's duties.   Also not to sound overly picky, but he can't do it right. He will run the sweeper if I ask him too, and he has offered to do the laundry, but i tell him no. His idea of doing the laundry is putting the darks and whites together.   I don't know that I trust him to load or unload the dishwasher, because I would never find anything.    It is just smoother if I do it myself.   It is my choice, as i am sure he would help if I ask him too.

Many mentioned the lack of communication. We communicate about a lot of things in general, but not about our relationship, it is off limits.   I agree it is probably one of the most important things to discuss, but he won't go there. I am not sure why, other than we tend to argue, or more to the point he gets angry with me and walks away. He refuses to argue with me, and since I can get a bit fiesty, he shuts me up by leaving the room.

He is not a bad person, and has been good to me in general.   He has been supportive of me going back to school, to a point.   Let me explain that.... He wants me to graduate and get a good job, but if I have a rough day, he is not open to listening to me whine about it.   I will never forget the day that I got called to the ER stat. They were bringing in a lady that was in a MVA, and I needed to be on standby, so i waited in the trauma room.   Long story short, they could not save her, and she died in front of me.   If affected me in the worst way, but I held it together until I left the hospital. Once I got into my car, the tears came and I cried all the way home.   He asked me what was wrong, i told him, and he said, " well you better suck it up and get used to it, it is part of your job."    He was right, but that is not what i wanted to hear at that particular time.   He walked away and left me to cry until i got over it.

On another subject... I am not afraid to be alone.   I lived alone with my kids for over 4 yrs. In fact if this relationship doesn't work out, I think I will be alone for a while. I told Master yesterday that he has ruined me for any other man/Master, and that is true... I won't elaborate.

I hope that I have addressed some of the things that have been brought up. My brain is not functioning at 100% capacity right now, so if I missed anything relevant, I will post again.

~aurora~

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/21/2006 2:59:20 AM

bandit25

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I think Katy (and others) are right. Sometimes, that "feel good" stuff doesn't work out...a least, it doesn't work out with whomever you may be with at the moment, but that's because it wasn't the underlying issue to begin with.

Low self-esteem is a serious issue for so many women (and, I suppose, men). Aurora, if you think you are too heavy and it's causing problems for you, then you lose the weight. Go to a doctor, ask for a healthy and "doable" diet, find a good exercise routine and stick to it. If he doesn't like it, well, that's just too bad. You'll find that once you love and accept yourself (the feel good stuff), the answers to what you need to do are right there...within you. Hun, it's hard to take that first step, no matter what that step is, but you gotta do it. Do it for yourself. If that means losing weight so you feel good about yourself, then do it. But figure out what is right for you. If you and he are meant to be, then it will work out.

But screw that "He's a Dom and can do whatever He wants BS". I mean, yeah, he can, but you don't need to take it. If your needs aren't being fulfilled, I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/21/2006 4:33:58 AM

agirl

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I can't see quite what he's actually mastering in your relationship. If he's not able to thrash things out, he simply isn't doing the job of a Master. It's understandable that he may be depressed or frustrated because of the lack of a job etc .........but if he found a job and you lost weight........would he then be *suddenly* be able to *master again?

He seems to lack some of the important ingredients needed to *own* someone.....sensitivity, ongoing interest and effort.

agirl

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/21/2006 5:42:33 AM

Morrigel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveaurora

Long story short, they could not save her, and she died in front of me. If affected me in the worst way, but I held it together until I left the hospital. Once I got into my car, the tears came and I cried all the way home. He asked me what was wrong, i told him, and he said, " well you better suck it up and get used to it, it is part of your job." He was right, but that is not what i wanted to hear at that particular time. He walked away and left me to cry until i got over it.

I have yet to hear you say anything about this man that does not make him sound like a repulsive human being and a loser in every sense of the word.

There is a difference between "dominance" and "abuse". There is a difference between "dominance" and "brutality". There is a difference between being "dominant" and shallow, uncaring, insensitive and stupid.

The intentions of the dominant are part of that equation--but the majority of the difference is in the happiness, well-being, fulfillment and consent of the slave.

You keep saying "He's been good to me"--but the only evidence you give of his "goodness" is that he allows you to do his housework, and sits home without a job while you go out every day to face a difficult work/school schedule. In return, he does not provide you with emotional support OR sexual pleasure to help relieve your stress. Gee, what a prince--vanilla or D/S, the guy comes across as a creep.

Sorry, but from my PoV, sex or no sex, this guy is not a "master". He's just a leech, and an abuser, whose idea of "dominance" is to demolish a woman's self esteem.

Neither sex nor love is strictly about visual appearances or weight: if your "master" was capable of giving you either, you would have received it by now. I would suggest you extricate yourself as soon as possible. And I would predict that he will become very destructive if he feels there is any danger of losing his housemaid and meal ticket, so--brace yourself. If and when you do leave, make sure it is EXTREMELY abrupt--everything packed and out the door before he has time to formulate a strategy to hamstring you: emotionally, financially or socially.

--M

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/21/2006 6:01:50 AM

DivaExMachina

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Agrees totally with Morrigel. You really make the guy sound like an utter tosser. Tell us exactly what is good about this guy. I want to know what sterling qualities he has that he has 'ruined you for other masters'.

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RE: sexless relationship - 10/21/2006 6:10:44 AM

MissyRane

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You are better off without him. ..just my 2 cents.

oh and by the way it's 21st century now, not 18th century. The woman has moved to the labor market and doesn't work at home anymore - the time is over that a woman is supposed to keep the domestic duties all by herself, the man is due to have some domestic skills too nowadays.

< Message edited by MissyRane -- 10/21/2006 6:17:25 AM >

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