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RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 9:58:16 PM

SusanofO

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HatesParisHilton: I very much understand your point. I wasn't going to even bother to write this, but I want to be clear.

I personally very much believe it is up to people, separately, as individuals, to make their own decisions about when a cybering relationship, or any bdsm relationship, should continue - although your opinion might be taken, I suppose, as some kind of yardstick. Maybe it will be helpful to someone, and I am pretty sure (as sure as I could be anyway) that was the spirit in which your comment was intended. How accurate a yardstick your advice would be for anyone else would, I imagine, be based on the individual circumstances of the people involved.

I am not criticizing you - but I have to say that when people make these proclamations such as: "If X does or doesn't happen within a certain time period, then it means (always means) Y is occurring", as you have just seemed to do, that people reading that opinion perhaps should be aware such a statement is the author's opinion.

While it should indeed be obvious when something is, in fact, the author's opinion, I believe it pays to keep in mind that new people, as well as those who are perhaps very experienced at bdsm relationships (that may or may not include cybersex) read these messages on the CM Message Board. Someone out there will probably take what you say as The only valid opinion that exists, somehow. The possibility for that to occur, does very much exist anyway, I think.

Just as the possibility exists for a cyber relationship to develop or end badly, or in fact to go just okay, or to go very, very well, and be fulfilling for both both people. Whether that may be apparent within 2 e-mails, 10 e-mails, or 127 e-mails and chat sessions, for example.

The above is only my opinion - and I want to be clear it is only my opinion - not a blanket generalization (because I think blanket generalizations can sometimes appear to be (and sometimes actually are) not only closed-minded, but also sometimes potentially dangerous.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/5/2007 10:17:09 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to HatesParisHilton)

Post #: 41

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 10:28:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

She asked about cybering, and my advice was that it is a very useful way to use a precursor for a relationship

My question is if you asked how she felt about cybering, whether she has the desire for example. Perhaps she has uneasy feelings about talking in such an intimate way with a stranger. It is only useful if one feels it is in my opinion. Not everyone will feel it is.

quote:

My reply was that it serves to disclose in advance what the needs are for each side of the slash, so when and if it turn into real time, there are far fewer surprises to deal with.

Again this may or may not be true. Many people may not want to share these things with someone until they know for sure where they are headed with someone.

I have cybered (yawns widely). It did teach me a thing or two about my masochistic side, but only because I was already intimate with the person I was cybering with. It was not a way to get to know anyone. I find cyber boring personally.

Here is the thing, one can write out a list of things they are interested in, fantasize about, want to try. They do not have to cyber in order to do find out if they are on the same page. If they desire to... Go Them! But there are other ways, possibly more illuminating ways, of finding out if the other party is a real prospect. I find cyber gives someone good wanking material, but it is not necessarily going to show if someone is good relationship material.

quote:

Why cyber has gotten a bad rap on this site is something to be put out in the open but certainly is also helps to separate the horndogs from the serious D's and on the other side of the slash it allows the submissive nature to safely explore what has been lurking in their minds for years.

I think you nailed it, someone who is really interested is not going to be attempting a cyber sex session, they are going to want to set up a meeting after finding out some specifics of general interests... such as masochism, bondage, role playing and the like.

If a submissive feels more safe exploring cyber, well that is what she should do, but I would not necessarily recommend it to her without asking her how she felt about it first. To me it is empty, frustrating, and it is not preparation for the real thing in any way but a sketchy way.

Just one perspective.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 42

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 10:34:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: justheather

FR:
If a submissive who is totally inexperienced opens herself up and interacts in a power-exchange dynamic with a dom online, there is a very real danger of her finding herself experiencing sub-drop to the nth degree with nobody present to help her sort out what is going on.
I know submissives to whom this has happened.

I did not experience subdrop, but I did hurt myself more than he intended me to, and that ended any sort of "experiments" we may have been cooking up. People should think about cybering with S&M

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 43

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 11:11:33 PM

RobertCloud

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In the cases where the slave I was with went into subspace and I had to bring her down, I stayed with her on the phone for several hours afterward. Each time, all in all we were on the phone for 8 hours, but I would not Cyber for those type of events, in my cases they were phone related so I could hear her and help guide her and even then I was not comfortable with it. I would rather have been there.

The first time neither her nor I was expecting it. The second time she had wondered if the first time was a fluke and it turned out that it was not, in fact it was far easier for me to get her to that level the second time, and more difficult for me to bring her out. I have not allowed us to try a third time yet. I will not until after we meet and discuss this more face to face. I do not care for the feeling that I am not there to support her properly as she is coming down.

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 44

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 11:15:41 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I was self injured if you read my post, and I do not know how you can prevent that if you are not in the room. I will be very blunt, a dominant can injure a submissive himself even being in the room accidently. No one is perfect and WIITWD comes with risks. If you are not in the room you cannot prevent injury, but even worse you are not there to see how bad the injury is. Subspace comes with risks, a submissive may not know how badly she is injured under the influence of subspace, it is as if the submissive is intoxicated.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to RobertCloud)

Post #: 45

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 11:17:11 PM

MsSasha247

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/16/2006
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I love cyber sex. There,,,I said it. *Looking up* Hey, the sky is not falling! LOL
Seriously people, I do enjoy it and its not real life but it can be wonderful and intense and I dont get STD's and the maid changes the sheets. I am single and hope to meet a nice girl to collar one day. But cybering (which includes sex and getting to know women online) is a great way to spend some time. I find it can be intense and wonderful, or shallow and frustrating. I hang out at the Palace, which is a 2-d graphical program and it is unique. Lots of crazy wonderful people. Do I expect to meet "the one" there? Not really, but I spend time with people in real life too. So yay for cyber sex! It keeps this Domme's imagination perking in the absence of a girl in my bed instead of my puter.

(in reply to RobertCloud)

Post #: 46

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 11:23:12 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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This is a pertinent point, juliaoceania. I appreciate that you brought it up. I am hopeful that a responsible Dominant (or prospective Dominant) would know where to "draw the line" in that regard, and if not knowing, would err on the side of caution.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 47

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 11:28:17 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

This is a pertinent point, juliaoceania. I appreciate that you brought it up. I am hopeful that a responsible Dominant (or prospective Dominant) would know where to "draw the line" in that regard, and if not knowing, would err on the side of caution.

- Susan

It is not that I think that all S&M is evil in cyber. I think it is a RACK issue, be aware of the risks, both parties. My problem with the entire thing is that if the submissive is inflicting pain upon herself she may indeed go further than instructed. The dominant cannot be careful for her. As long as she understands and consents, then I guess it is all fine by me...smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 48

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/5/2007 11:32:12 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Well, juliaoceania, I do think it is a good point to be mentioned. I hadn't thought about it much before you mentioned it, for example. I think it is definitely somethingto consider carefully, on both sides, as far as a particular on-line bdsm activity may be concerned.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 1/5/2007 11:34:48 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 49

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/6/2007 1:15:03 AM

akbarbarian

Posts: 596
Joined: 12/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I was self injured if you read my post, and I do not know how you can prevent that if you are not in the room. I will be very blunt, a dominant can injure a submissive himself even being in the room accidently. No one is perfect and WIITWD comes with risks. If you are not in the room you cannot prevent injury, but even worse you are not there to see how bad the injury is. Subspace comes with risks, a submissive may not know how badly she is injured under the influence of subspace, it is as if the submissive is intoxicated.

That's facinating. I'd love to read your logs :)

_____________________________

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 50

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 3:36:45 AM

CelticPrince

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Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

Guy, You have hit on one of the points to be made. If the mind is reached the body will follow.

Thanks for your input.

CP

(in reply to GoreanGuy)

Post #: 51

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 3:42:03 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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sub,

of course, it is acting out their fantasies and that happens in a safe mode for the sub, and gives the D a look at what he/she can expect if and when it turns to real time.

Having reached those areas on line makes it far easier to reach in real time.

CP

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 52

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 3:47:37 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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I don't know that that's true. Online and face to face are totally different things. Hell, one doesn't always respond the same way to the same stimulus.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 53

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 3:47:38 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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MFM,

Then we disagree, which is fine, I see it as a true base to develope a face to face relationship. Anbd save alot of time in dealing with expectations.

CP

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 54

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 3:51:52 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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all4,

I agree that cams can have their place in progression as the relationship developes.

It used tobe phone was the final developement step prior to going face to face, so it has added a new dimension.

CP

(in reply to all4yourplsr)

Post #: 55

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 3:56:16 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
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World,

I certainly agree that real time is the goal and cam certainly helps as you have described, but many do not have cams so we work with what we can.

CP

(in reply to WorldofSilence)

Post #: 56

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 3:57:48 AM

CelticPrince

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Joined: 4/15/2005
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cumulus,

I certainly agree with that.

CP

(in reply to cumulus)

Post #: 57

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 4:00:34 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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I guess we all have our own definition of what "cyber" means. As a means of staying in touch with someone far, it can't be beat.

(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 58

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 4:01:32 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

Mistress,

whether it is a jerk off or a clit rub, is not the material thing to be considered.
It is the opportunity to allow a relationship to grow with a comfort zone that is not there with immediate face to face.

CP

(in reply to MistressYlwa)

Post #: 59

RE: To Cyber or Not - 1/7/2007 4:03:47 AM

CelticPrince

Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline

domiguy,

well you might try it with a bottle of milk at your side.

CP

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 60

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