NoPinkBalloons
Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mistoferin
There are times today that I feel as though I am from the Dark Ages in this lifestyle.
Nah, if you were *really* from the Dark Ages, you'd remember when the term "lifestyle" was only used by those who hadn't a clue about wiitwd, and most certainly weren't what anyone these days would call "lifestyle". So, you're probably not out in the Dark Ages.
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Maybe I am just getting old but in many ways I see changes happening here that I don’t necessarily think are for the good. Is it just me…am I the only one who sees it this way?
That's pretty much what every generation says about the next, I think, regardless of whether they're referencing wiitwd or cycling or radiography or whatever. "Back in MY day...." is a common refrain in most areas.
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Isn’t one of the primary responsibilities of a Dominant/Master to guide his submissive/slave through her personal growth so that she can become the best she can be…in all aspects. Or has it just come to be about the kink?
No, I don't think so. I think the primary responsibility of a dominant/master is to dominate in whatever way those involved in the relationship deem appropriate. If, for example, I decide to take piano lessons (that's personal growth, right?), and my dominant partner knows diddly squat about music in general and the piano in particular, then I don't think it's his/her responsibility at all to guide me in that area. If I decide to embark on a diet/exercise program (also personal growth, I think), then I'm going to consult a nutritionist and a personal trainer. It's not my dominant partner's responsibility to know about these things nor to guide me through them. That's why we employ experts.
It *might* be his/her responsibility to guide me through learning things that are important to him/her and that we've agreed are areas that will be worked on, but even then it may not always be so. Perhaps it's important to him/her that I advance in my career and to that end we decide I should continue my education. I think that it becomes *my* responsibility to do the work to obtain further qualifications, and to make the commitment to study and learn, without him/her having to look over my shoulder or ask daily if I've done my homework.
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I hear so many today claim they are submissive/slave, owned and guided by a loving Master/Dominant. They have the talk down pat. Then you get to know them a bit and you visit their home or see them away from the monthly play party. You walk in, their house is a wreck, they look like they dressed from a rag bag, their children are unkept, they are serving some sort of unrecognizable food for dinner, they are sometimes mouthy or at best ill grammared, sometimes even giving orders to their Dominants or arguing with them.
Perhaps these things that seem to be so important to you aren't important to the people in question? Perhaps they have other things that are much higher up the priority list than an immaculate house, fabulous clothes, perfect punctuation, etc. Perhaps they've *both* decided that it's in their best interests for the two of them to continue to work full time and both go to school as well, leaving little time for making sure the piano is always completely dust free. Perhaps one of them has a health issue that takes up significant time/energy and is more important to them than making sure the linen clothing is perfectly starched and ironed. There are lots of paradigms, and lots of possible reasons that people might have priorities that are different from yours.
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There sits Master/Dominant in his chair, seemingly oblivious to all that is going on around him. He doesn’t even seem to notice the sheer chaos of the situation. I have to wonder…..what exactly has he been teaching? Has he been teaching at all? Does he not think he has a responsibility outside of the bedroom?
Perhaps, as I suggested above, he's quite aware of the chaos and doesn't hold it to be as important as other things. Perhaps there are things going on beneath the surface that you're not aware of. Perhaps he's *comfortable* in the chaos and chooses to direct his energies in other directions that have a higher priority for he and his partner. That doesn't mean that he's focused on the bedroom, only that he's focused on things that aren't readily apparent to you. That's ok, since you're not part of the relationship and he has no responsibility to make sure you're ok with how they work their relationship.
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I was brought up a tough, street fighting kid on the streets of Brooklyn, NY. I spent most of my teen years and many of my adult years in 1%er motorcycle clubhouses, rubbing elbows with guys who make Freddy Krueger look like the Easter Bunny. I can hold my own in any given situation…from a street fight, to a clubhouse, to a PTA meeting or a black tie affair. Why? Because I have been fortunate enough to have had Dominants in my life who have also guided me in all of the finer aspects.
The Dominant men in my life have taught me the importance of eloquence, of being a lady. It’s not always been about the finer art of blow jobs or how much one can take while bound to a cross. It has been charm school…..Dominant style. I have been taught to keep a proper home, how to entertain guests, what should or should not come out of my mouth in a public setting. I have been taught to look my best, to not be ashamed of my sexiness, but to embrace it with a degree of modesty also. I have been taught that it is ok to state my opinions, but that it is not ok to be argumentative for the sake of argument. I have been taught to be respectful.
I'm pretty competent in thos areas too, but it's not thanks to any dominant partners in my life. I was raised to value those types of things, and my parents made sure that I learned them, because it was important to them. Beyond that, those things are important *to me*, so I've made sure to hone my skills in those areas. I didn't need a dominant partner to do that, nor would I expect that to be his/her responsibility if I had one.
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I was also taught personal responsibility and accountability. What I say or write may influence another and it is my responsibility to choose my words with great thought. Once they’re out there…well, they’re out there. There are no do-overs. I am accountable for my actions and there are consequences that are mine alone to bear. I was taught the importance of honesty. Truth is far superior to a lie, even when it hurts. I was taught the importance of having personal integrity. To give thought to the code of personal morals and values which I choose to incorporate in my life, and then live by them.
These are things that I learned well before I had *any* partners, dominant or not. Personal responsibility is something that comes from within me, not something that I needed a dominant partner to teach me. Honesty and integrity have always been a part of who I am, even when I was going through the "growing pains" of being a teenager. As you say, those are personal morals and values, and for me at least, they come from within. I certainly don't get them from my partners.
For my part, I think that most people, regardless of role, would value those things in a partner and prefer someone who already had a good grip on them. Sure, the "blank slate" or "clay to be molded" paradigm works for some people, but personally I prefer those in my life to have already made some significant effort in that regard.
I'm glad you've had some great relationships in the past, but it seems that your personal filters are giving you a very narrow view of how things *should* be. It's great that you've found how things should be for you, and what works well for you and your relationships. Other people have different priorities and different paradigms that are just as valid as yours. They take nothing away from how you do things.
Really, it's not a vertical hierarchy, with one way being better/above/more right than another. Life is a horizontal continnuum and we all find our place on it where we best fit at that time. It's not better/worse; it's just different.
_____________________________
-- Sherri
A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth
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