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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/3/2008 7:06:58 PM

kiwisub12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee

i would like it duly noted by all who peruses CM...that perse has the bestest taste in dominants....*all of them*

SLUT!!!!!!

*hogging all the best doms for herself*

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/3/2008 7:17:00 PM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee
mmmmmmmmdelish

Okay, plan is set: Mission Duchovny is a go. :>
Davan
(Who still doesn't know wtf the op is asking about)

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/3/2008 7:18:37 PM

Lashra

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quote:

In fact, I will end up emotionally detaching from her. She has not taken this issue as a serious matter.

If this is so then end it, she obviously does not care about your mental well being.

Good luck,
~Lashra

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/3/2008 7:37:30 PM

Jeptha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DogGoneBad

I can not press forward in the relationship as long as this is still going on. In fact, I will end up emotionally detaching from her. She has not taken this issue as a serious matter.

Without knowing the details, my take on it is that, if this thing is just getting off the ground, maybe a little emotional detachment isn't necessarily a bad thing.

When things are new sometimes it's bumpy sledding until you get on the same page (to mix a metaphor.)

Could more understanding (or maybe just time) be in order prior to the ultimatums?

Just guesswork on my end, of course, but good luck.

< Message edited by Jeptha -- 12/3/2008 7:38:08 PM >

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/3/2008 7:58:00 PM

mc1234

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee
mmmmmmmmdelish

Okay, plan is set: Mission Duchovny is a go. :>
Davan
(Who still doesn't know wtf the op is asking about)

cool beans. Will this be the standard kidnapping with the windowless white van, duct tape, ball gag & blindfold? I volunteer to cruise around Malibu looking for the target for as long as it takes to find his sexy behind ....

As for the mysterious OP ... isn't it *typically* Dom says 'x'... sub agrees to 'x' ... sub disobeys. Dom punishes/corrects. Rinse 'n repeat or end it at that point, as they are either truly incompatible or can't communicate worth a damn. That's my highly simplified take on all things NOT Duchovny related...

*edited b/c the ambien is kicking in

< Message edited by mc1234 -- 12/3/2008 7:59:13 PM >

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/3/2008 8:41:12 PM

DavanKael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mc1234

quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

quote:

ORIGINAL: persephonee
mmmmmmmmdelish

Okay, plan is set: Mission Duchovny is a go. :>
Davan
(Who still doesn't know wtf the op is asking about)

cool beans. Will this be the standard kidnapping with the windowless white van, duct tape, ball gag & blindfold? I volunteer to cruise around Malibu looking for the target for as long as it takes to find his sexy behind ....

As for the mysterious OP ... isn't it *typically* Dom says 'x'... sub agrees to 'x' ... sub disobeys. Dom punishes/corrects. Rinse 'n repeat or end it at that point, as they are either truly incompatible or can't communicate worth a damn. That's my highly simplified take on all things NOT Duchovny related...

*edited b/c the ambien is kicking in

mc1234----
I tried to perv your profile but was thwarted; it said one was not found; what's up?
Ambien...aaaargh; makes me think my keyboard is melting and then I am hung over for half the day after I wake up. Hope it does less evil things to you.
I don't think I can advocate kidnapping (I suspect moderator spankings all around would become the fare) but he looks like he may have a submissve streak,so I bet, were we to present the idea, we may be able to get him (and his pretty wife and/or vaguely attractive Hungarian girlfriend) on-board. Oh, I don't want him gagged up; I want to hear him.... How 'bout some nice classic cuffs, hands fixed in the small of his back for transport; I do so enjoy what that pull-back on the arms does to the masculine musculature. And, if the ladies come along, I suggest cuffs behind the neck, fingers interwoven; now, optimizing the aesthetically pleasing facets of the female form. Them all kneeling in that van you mentioned. Whaddya think?
As for the OP, I refuse to do anything other than ask "wtf" until there is some actual detail provided because I could argue any potential recommendation upsidedown and sideways and it wouldn't have anything to do with any vague reality. Thus, I am choosingamore pleasant form of removal from reality: David Duchovny in kinky scenarios. Far more fun and, hey, between those of us involved in this conversation, we've come up with more detail than a guy who is making life decisions based on this thread which mortifies me. Duchovny iin cuffs and on his knees...far more soothing a thought. :>
Davan

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May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
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It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/3/2008 8:49:46 PM

SunNMoon

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Considering that the details haven’t been posted, I’m going to go with a gut reaction.

If you feel that you have to give an ultimatum to save the relationship is the relationship worth saving? If you answer yes then you both need to sit down and talk this through so you are both happy in the relationship (since I’m assuming no one’s forcing either party to be in it). If no, well then just end it already and save yourself the pain of dragging it out.

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 5:11:34 AM

StrangerThan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DogGoneBad

I've been debating about laying down an ultimatum or ending things. The issue this is over is one that I can not deal with anymore. She is aware that I have a problem over this issue. I thought the issue was resolved on her end. Last night during a phone conversation she brought up the fact it was still going on.

If I make the decision to end things, it will be final. There will be no second chances or turning back. If I lay down an ultimatum it gives her one last opportunity or chance.

I can not press forward in the relationship as long as this is still going on. In fact, I will end up emotionally detaching from her. She has not taken this issue as a serious matter.

Here's the problem... I can't, I can't, I can't... instead of saying I can not, don't. This wouldn't be difficult if it weren't for the fact that instead of giving her one more chance, it sounds like you're giving yourself one more chance with her. Others may find ultimatums useful. I don't. I think they're basically bullshit since by the time they're uttered, shouted or scrawled across electronic paper, someone is on the verge of walking away anyway. I think if you have to lay them down, one of the two of you is missing some basic communication, and I don't necessarily mean her.

Seems simple to me. If you can't, don't. If you're going to, then stop with the can not crap and do what it takes to either get your point across or get the walking away thing started.

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 6:49:20 AM

Viridana

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If the OP wants some opinions or answers of any substance, it is in my mind necessary to have more information. What is this girls problem? how was she told to fix the problems and how has she not been doing so? Is it a trivial "don't leave the toilet seat up" kind of thing or is it more serious?

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 7:34:18 AM

DesFIP

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Thinking this over reminded me of a problem in miscommunication we had in the very beginning. We were chatting one night and somewhere over the hour long chat he said something. I didn't remember it or think anything of it. He didn't tell me it was very important and to me it was just something minor. When we worked it out we realized that mentioning something followed by cyber sex followed by a discussion of when the garbage needed to go out etc wasn't the way to get me to focus on it. If it was really important he then told me to write it down or better yet he sent me an email about just that one point afterwards.

Because the way it was presented made it impossible for me to realize the importance of this. He didn't explain to me that it was important, he just shoved it in with a lot of other stuff. And to expect me to unerringly pick out the one important item in an hour conversation is too closely akin to expecting me to read his mind. So he learned that I needed to see it written down by itself and I learned that I needed my attention drawn to the point. It wasn't deliberate, it was simply miscommunication.

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 7:50:35 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
He didn't tell me it was very important and to me it was just something minor.

This is actually quite common and causes big problems in relationships. What might be perceived as a pebble by me, might be perceived as a boulder by him. The way around that is to communicate clearly and also accept when your partner sees it as a boulder, even if you don't understand why.

This relationship is new and there are a lot of growing pains in the beginning of a relationship. I will say that you shouldn't throw an ultimatum out there unless you're willing to accept the answer. But, the fact that you seem very willing to just toss the whole thing out rather than working on the issue speaks volumes. It seems like you've given her an order to fix a problem without the support neccessary to get the problem fixed. Which means that the situation has been set up to fail.

If both sides aren't willing to solve the problems, then the relationship is doomed.

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 8:02:05 AM

LATEXBABY64

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but no matter how well you interact with your partner and voice your concerns it may or may not be what they want to do or where they want to go with things everyone has a idea or concept only people that know for sure what is best for them is the people involved

no one is perfect but a relationship is about making something happen in positive manner

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 8:06:45 AM

eri

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

perse----
I got the vagaries of what he's saying but, I mean if it's a "she cheated for the 15th time" situation versus a "she put the toilet paper on the dispenser with the paper dispensing over the roll rather than behind the roll" situation, these are details that will likely impact my answer to his OP. I'm really not trying to bash the dude, but I've asked him several times for more info and he's not responded...hmmm, wonder if that plays out in his relationships; maybe. I just don't know! But, the post is being made interesting via the side conversations.
Davan
(Who'd offer to let perse and simpleplan < and mc1234 for making so much sense!!! > have their way with David while she's got him chained up; see, I play nicely with other when treated well :> )

No, this is just you being nosey.

It does not matter what actions have caused him to reach this point. He isn't asking you for your opinion on her behaviour. He isn't saying, "If you had a sub and she did -this- would you give her an ultimatum or end it?" He's saying, "I've reached a point where I am considering either giving an ultimatum or ending this relationship." Then he's weighing out the pros and cons.

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 8:08:40 AM

eri

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Viridana

If the OP wants some opinions or answers of any substance, it is in my mind necessary to have more information. What is this girls problem? how was she told to fix the problems and how has she not been doing so? Is it a trivial "don't leave the toilet seat up" kind of thing or is it more serious?

Nosiness, again. It doesn't matter what she did or did not do.

To you, leaving the seat up might be trivial. To someone else, its a deal breaker. Either way, it has no bearing on anything other than satisfying your curiousity.

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 8:37:36 AM

DesFIP

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Actually eri, you're both right and wrong. Because if the OP came back and said he told this to her on the phone while she was rushing to get out of the house, then we could tell him the way to correct this is to have this conversation when people aren't rushing to get to work. But to sit down with a cup of coffee quietly.

Sometimes the answer people need isn't what they are asking. With more info, we could offer concrete solutions.

Ages ago I read a post from a dominant who was planning on beating the crap out of his sub because she didn't use her seat belt. The problem was that a beating on Friday night followed by them not leaving the house for two days didn't connect to the seatbelt. When he calmed down and explained what the problem was, somebody suggested that he have her write SEATBELT on a piece of cardboard and lean it against her steering wheel everytime she got out of the car. He came back to say that within a week she had gotten the habit of buckling down pat.

To offer a specific solution to a specific problem requires knowledge of what the specific problem is. Unfortunately someone who offers an ultimatum usually isn't seeking a win/win solution.

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 9:01:09 AM

eri

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DES,

even then it does not matter -what- the submissive has been doing. At that point it becomes a matter of his not presenting it as an issue in the most effective manner.

I don't see the OP asking for specific answers or solutions, though. He does not even seem to be asking any questions at all. What I read was a man who has reached a list of potential solutions to his problem and now he is simply deciding which one he will use. Is our input even really necessary?

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 9:15:49 AM

Rover

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quote:

ORIGINAL: eri

What I read was a man who has reached a list of potential solutions to his problem and now he is simply deciding which one he will use. Is our input even really necessary?

For what it's worth, that's the way I see it as well, eri. I believe (and have droned on at length in earlier posts) that we do him a disservice by suggesting a decision in this case. He already knows the issues. He already knows the potential solutions and their consequences. He just hasn't made a decision yet. And no one can make that decision for him.

It would be another matter if he were here asking what potential choices their were, and what consequences might be attached to them. That's part of accumulating sufficient information to make an informed decision. But that's all done. All that's required now is the decision itself.

And dang it, at the lowest common denominator, that's what a Master is for! He is her Master... we are not. Any suggestion of what decision we might make is irrelevant. Suggesting that he "should" make a specific decision implies that he cannot, or should not, make his own decisions. Or that one decision is the "right" one, regardless of what he may prefer.

John

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 10:06:17 AM

mc1234

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael

mc1234----
I tried to perv your profile but was thwarted; it said one was not found; what's up?

Ah .... I've just been having a bad run of it lately. Thought I'd found someone, so I took my profile down for awhile to quiet the mail while I concentrated on him. Found out today it wasn't going to work out ... sigh ... back up again

quote:

Ambien...aaaargh; makes me think my keyboard is melting and then I am hung over for half the day after I wake up. Hope it does less evil things to you.

It does - it works beautifully, though sometimes I get that melty thing going too. Once I thought my dog was under the comforter because it was moving around so much - but he was in the other room! I only take half now!

quote:

Duchovny iin cuffs and on his knees...far more soothing a thought. :> Davan

You know, I don't have much of the Domme in me, but for him .... yeah, I could get into that. lol

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 11:13:33 AM

Viridana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: eri

Nosiness, again. It doesn't matter what she did or did not do.

Well it takes two to miscommunicate or argue. So what some posters here (I presume) would like to leave suggestions or opinions on how maybe he could have handled things differently so that the choice that he stands in front of doesn't have to be made or maybe help him get to a more thought out end point in the decision. He may have just been venting... but it still stands that he posted a thread on a discussion board and as such he is in some way asking for discussion and/or solutions. And to get to such intellectual, objective and substance filled discussions or solutions there needs to be some information. But hey... I could just jump on the "run away fast" bandwagon like many posters do without thought if it makes someone happy. But rest assured, I won't be losing any sleep tonight due to lack of information on this thread or other, not now nor ever.

quote:

To you, leaving the seat up might be trivial. To someone else, its a deal breaker. Either way, it has no bearing on anything other than satisfying your curiousity.

Yeah it might be a deal breaker for some I'm sure, that's their prerogative. However if such things leave people in dilemma over ultimatums and relationship breaks I honestly think they have an issue with immaturity ( like you yourself for spouting accusations of people whom you don't know, don't know their education or experience nor intentions of nosiness- but hey.. that's your impediment not mine).

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RE: Ultimatum or end it - 12/4/2008 1:20:44 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: eri

DES,

even then it does not matter -what- the submissive has been doing. At that point it becomes a matter of his not presenting it as an issue in the most effective manner.

I don't see the OP asking for specific answers or solutions, though. He does not even seem to be asking any questions at all. What I read was a man who has reached a list of potential solutions to his problem and now he is simply deciding which one he will use. Is our input even really necessary?

Well if he knew what he was going to do he wouldn't have posted in the beginning asking for help.

If he gave us more info then maybe we could brainstorm a possible solution he doesnt see. Brainstorming is a good thing, yes you get a lot of ideas that won't work but you frequently get one that will which you can't see because you're too close to the problem.

I didn't get the idea he wants the relationship to end. I got a feeling of frustration that is making him throw his hands up in the air. Again if he wanted to end it, he wouldn't have started the thread.

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