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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/8/2014 8:54:51 PM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
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It depends...If my life was shitty but in the end it was best for those I love then let me suffer. But... if my life did not benefit or produce a loved one whats the use?

Butch

_____________________________

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I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 21

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 4:55:59 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleGirlHeart
I think if I knew everything I have gone through and live with, I would choose not to exsist.

I don't need to know that I have a shitty life.

If I was given a choice, I would have simply chose not to exist even IF the life had some good in it, I mean, everybody life got good and bad times, no matter what. Non-existent to me is the greatest peace I could ever have.

Life is just filled with constant trauma after trauma. On top of that, when you got a stupid mom who was told she was barren, and then cursed to give birth to me. It was unfair to her that she did not have a choice too. Except to abort me but she was too damn religious and afraid of going to hell for doing that, so she has to give birth to something she hated having in her body and hated having for life basically.

For that, I wish I could have miscarriage myself in her stomach to spare her this bullshit of having a child she does not want.

I have lived all my life hating myself for being too much of a coward to end my life to make my mother happy.

They always say suicide is the coward's way out, then why can't I be coward enough to do it?

I'm very pro-abortion because of this. No moms should feel like they can't abort the baby they hate because they are going to hell. If I was aborted, I feel like my mom would be happier. It would have been a good deed. To have 1 happy person, rather than 2 miserable person.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/9/2014 5:05:01 AM >

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 22

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 7:23:10 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleGirlHeart
I think if I knew everything I have gone through and live with, I would choose not to exsist.

I don't need to know that I have a shitty life.

If I was given a choice, I would have simply chose not to exist even IF the life had some good in it, I mean, everybody life got good and bad times, no matter what. Non-existent to me is the greatest peace I could ever have.

Life is just filled with constant trauma after trauma. On top of that, when you got a stupid mom who was told she was barren, and then cursed to give birth to me. It was unfair to her that she did not have a choice too. Except to abort me but she was too damn religious and afraid of going to hell for doing that, so she has to give birth to something she hated having in her body and hated having for life basically.

For that, I wish I could have miscarriage myself in her stomach to spare her this bullshit of having a child she does not want.

I have lived all my life hating myself for being too much of a coward to end my life to make my mother happy.

They always say suicide is the coward's way out, then why can't I be coward enough to do it?

I'm very pro-abortion because of this. No moms should feel like they can't abort the baby they hate because they are going to hell. If I was aborted, I feel like my mom would be happier. It would have been a good deed. To have 1 happy person, rather than 2 miserable person.

Wow. I try really hard not to go into my personal stuff, but this just blows my mind. Through the spring I am grateful and happy that I can get out of bed moments after I wake, I suck up the pain and start my day. In the summer I am grateful for the rare days I wake up with no pain at all. In the fall I am grateful for the days I can get out of bed and actually hold my coffee cup with one hand. In the winter I am grateful to be able to walk and on the days I cannot walk, I am grateful that I can still crawl to the bathroom. My new house has stairs that lead to the bathroom, so I will most likely put a coffee pot in my bedroom as well as a bag of fruit cuz the kitchen is going to become too far away if the winter gets as bad as they say.

I could perceive my lot in life as awful, unfair, woe-is-me, but I have so many things to be grateful for, things, as above, that most people take for granted, and I have SOOOO many blessings that make me fucking AWESOME that I just cannot waste a moment of my friggen cool life on the negative.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 23

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 10:00:10 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

I guess you would have to define "a shitty life" for me because in my book, if I have any life left in me at all it's good day for me. I have won battles and lost battles, been wealthy and been poor. I have been comfortable and I have endured pain. I have seen trauma, even been pronounced dead 3 times (once by EMS twice at hospital). The hospital gave up resuscitation on me, went out and told my mom I was dead... but I still came back. As you can tell, I am one of those tenacious bastards that wants all the life he can get whether it be "shitty" by someone else's standards or not. As long as I live, I have the power to make changes, choices.

So to me, the fact you live in a day an age that allows you to connect through the web to a forum and post something like that is pretty cool and makes this a good day. I am sure you don't see it that way or you would've posted something different.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 11/9/2014 10:01:00 AM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 24

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 11:30:49 AM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

I do love the internet. It's one of the biggest connections to tons of stuff at once, I make friends through websites like fet, I find crafts an all kinds of entertainment,

I have no hopes, no.dreams, no.goals, no ambition. I am incapable of taking care of myself, or if I am capable I haven't learned yet. I have no will, no.drive.to.do.anything but sit in bed d all day. I am wasting away, not weight wise but health.wise and I should be scared and this should be a big motivator and it's just not my whole emotional outlook on things whoopty do , I ask myself all the time, what went wrong, why am I so apathetic about life.all the.time that I have no will.to struggle,.that I am just going to lay down and die , literally if I do not turn the health ship around, it is just matter of time before things have gone so far down the toilet it is irreversible, and that does not motivate, nor scare me . I have no sense of self preservation Occasionally I do lift my uead and try to care.and take care of myself, but again I am so apathetic.that I have no will to follow through. So with out someone to make me I stop.

I cant/ dont function. Daddy can't help.he's even more.fucked up than I am. Ive talked to therapists before,.and I have told them all this. And they just say well it's up tonyou to decide to function. But I don't know how to function. I mean I want a life, I dont.want to be some lump in bed, but how.donyou live a life when you have no will or.drive , and nothing in life appeals.to.you. I am not.able to just put on my big girl panties and do it because I have to. I have tried it doesnt work. I may scrape up a weekbor two of good habits, then apathy sets in and I stop caring.

I hate that I have no grit no will no drive no ambition , I hate that I'm wasting my life , I just wish that I could be the sort to soldiered through and do it because you have to but I don't know how . I won't kill myself or hurt myself but I just this is a no life, no kind of existence, to have nothing to look forward to , except email from your best friend, and daddy vetting home day in and day out. Month after month hear after year.. So many people that would love to be able bodied and they can't be
, , there are tons of people who would make so much out of their lives, and I don't do anything with mine . My life is just being wasted and I wish I can give it to somebody who would make the most out of it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

So to me, the fact you live in a day an age that allows you to connect through the web to a forum and post something like that is pretty cool and makes this a good day. I am sure you don't see it that way or you would've posted something different.

< Message edited by LittleGirlHeart -- 11/9/2014 12:10:22 PM >

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 25

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 12:41:23 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

LGH, I've been in that place. I was in that place for several years, it was compounded by depression. Depression makes it really hard for a person to see out, it's like all the color gets washed from the world leaving only greys. It is awfully hard when in that place to pull yourself out of it but it can be done.

My first recommendation is a new therapist. You need more than being told it is up to you, you need the actual tools. For me it took divorcing my husband, we were not good for each other but for years it was 'easier' to continue that status quo. Change meant work and I didn't have the energy to do the work for a long time. I won't go into what happened because it doesn't really matter, but one day I realized that I needed change my entire life. That the life I was in just was not working, not only wasn't it working but it was killing me slowly. For me it was drastic, divorce then I moved 2000 away to a city where I didn't know a soul.

That was six years ago almost to the month.

I got into therapy for depression and my litany of medical issues, I learned new coping skills. My body and my mind got healthier.

It can be done, it isn't easy or overnight. It is hard pushing yourself when you see no point. I guess you have to make up a point and go for that, then make up another one. Eventually living becomes the habit instead of languishing.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 26

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 8:28:47 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

I don't know if this will help, but it sounds as though you know that your overall malaise is slowly going to ruin your health if you don't make up your mind to get a handle on it. Like camille said, you need a better therapist. You're still young, around the same age as my older son. What I could do with what I know now if I could be your age again, you have no idea.

What you're missing is a purpose. It could be as simple as taking one class at your community college. It could be to volunteer for 2 hours a week somewhere meaningful for you. Start out small. Baby steps. You can do it. If you love animals, volunteer down at the local animal shelter. Make a difference, somehow, some way. Look into your heart and find your heart's desire. It's in there.

The other thing that might be helpful, is for you to catch yourself and say, "I can be happy." You can be happy. You can allow yourself to feel happiness. You deserve this--everybody does. Give yourself permission to be happy in the moment. Your problems won't miraculously go away, those things you dread won't disappear. But, you can still find joy in the little things that matter to you, whether it's connecting with a person, or caring for your pet, watching your favorite TV show, visiting your favorite web sites, listening to your favorite music, taking time out for a hobby, going outside to get fresh air and clear your mind, whatever moves you.

You say that your Daddy is more fucked up than you are. What does being a good daughter mean to you? Does it mean that your needs should always come first? No, it means stepping up to the plate and being there for others, too, which you obviously can't do when you can't function on your own. What one thing can you do to make his life easier and not feel as though you are being such a burden? Can you fix his lunch for him in the morning with healthy food & snacks that he will eat? Can you get half of his lunch ready with fruit, snacks & a drink the night before so he only has to fix his sandwich and coffee in the morning and then he's good to go?

I don't believe that you have no hopes, no dreams, no goals, no ambition. I don't believe that for one moment. You see no way of realizing or manifesting what you want and then succumb to hopelessness. Tell yourself that you can have what you want. That you will get what you want by taking a step of faith. You are having a crisis in faith, faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in the world. When trust goes, faith goes. Trust that your life has meaning because it does. It starts with an attitude of gratitude. Be grateful for what you DO have and stop comparing yourself to others and perhaps envying what they have. You don't know what they had to go through to get where they are and what sacrifices they had to make to have what they have.

I'm not saying that you are responsible for everything that has happened to you or hasn't yet happened for you. What I am saying, though, is that you are responsible for not accepting things the way they are. At some level you have been waiting for divine intervention to make everything all right. It doesn't work that way, and deep down inside you know that. God helps those who help themselves.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 27

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 8:43:30 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleGirlHeart

I think if I knew everything I have gone through and live with, I would choose not to exsist.

Fuck that....you can change everything.

What you're offered ain't even REMOTELY what you can have!

Create your future!!!!

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 28

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/9/2014 8:47:58 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

Ok, so I do want to be out of debt, that's for sure a goal. I want to go somewhere fun, when out of debt.

I volunteer with some birds, Daddy goes too. I think the one bird named rosie is hilaroius. I find her charming and sweet. Her human died, and he used to hold her a lot and do a lot with her, so.she's desperate for attention with her Daddy gone.

Being a good little to/for Daddy means making him happy, supporting him, uplifting him. Making sure he knows he is appreciated. Helping him over his nasty patches. He doesn't feel burdened, nessesarily, but it does depress him that his baby looks to him for guidance, and he's got his own issues with taking care of himself, so he fails to be able to lead me.

I tried the lunch thing, he's not really a lunch taking person, I suggested what about snacks, then.. I certainly could pack a baggie of snacks, a cute little note.

I do enjoy domestic stuff every now and then. I wash his blankies n make his bed every now and then.

Find my own clothing, I already brush my teeth by myself, he enjoys when I report back fresh and happy. And I feel like a big girl. It's a big burst of pride.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

I don't know if this will help, but it sounds as though you know that your overall malaise is slowly going to ruin your health if you don't make up your mind to get a handle on it. Like camille said, you need a better therapist. You're still young, around the same age as my older son. What I could do with what I know now if I could be your age again, you have no idea.

What you're missing is a purpose. It could be as simple as taking one class at your community college. It could be to volunteer for 2 hours a week somewhere meaningful for you. Start out small. Baby steps. You can do it. If you love animals, volunteer down at the local animal shelter. Make a difference, somehow, some way. Look into your heart and find your heart's desire. It's in there.

The other thing that might be helpful, is for you to catch yourself and say, "I can be happy." You can be happy. You can allow yourself to feel happiness. You deserve this--everybody does. Give yourself permission to be happy in the moment. Your problems won't miraculously go away, those things you dread won't disappear. But, you can still find joy in the little things that matter to you, whether it's connecting with a person, or caring for your pet, watching your favorite TV show, visiting your favorite web sites, listening to your favorite music, taking time out for a hobby, going outside to get fresh air and clear your mind, whatever moves you.

You say that your Daddy is more fucked up than you are. What does being a good daughter mean to you? Does it mean that your needs should always come first? No, it means stepping up to the plate and being there for others, too, which you obviously can't do when you can't function on your own. What one thing can you do to make his life easier and not feel as though you are being such a burden? Can you fix his lunch for him in the morning with healthy food & snacks that he will eat? Can you get half of his lunch ready with fruit, snacks & a drink the night before so he only has to fix his sandwich and coffee in the morning and then he's good to go?

I don't believe that you have no hopes, no dreams, no goals, no ambition. I don't believe that for one moment. You see no way of realizing or manifesting what you want and then succumb to hopelessness. Tell yourself that you can have what you want. That you will get what you want by taking a step of faith. You are having a crisis in faith, faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in the world. When trust goes, faith goes. Trust that your life has meaning because it does. It starts with an attitude of gratitude. Be grateful for what you DO have and stop comparing yourself to others and perhaps envying what they have. You don't know what they had to go through to get where they are and what sacrifices they had to make to have what they have.

I'm not saying that you are responsible for everything that has happened to you or hasn't yet happened for you. What I am saying, though, is that you are responsible for not accepting things the way they are. At some level you have been waiting for divine intervention to make everything all right. It doesn't work that way, and deep down inside you know that. God helps those who help themselves.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 29

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 2:39:02 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFRKJ79-HJg

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 30

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 5:45:51 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

It depends...If my life was shitty but in the end it was best for those I love then let me suffer. But... if my life did not benefit or produce a loved one whats the use?

Butch

I sometimes wish I could see a "George Bailey" reel showing what life would have been like without me.

_____________________________

No matter how cynical you become,
it's never enough to keep up.

JANE WAGNER, THE SEARCH FOR SIGNS OF
INTELLIGENT LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE

(in reply to kdsub)

Post #: 31

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 7:40:19 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

I wish I could see a video of what I would have been like if I had not been through the abuse, and had been gotten the help I needed. Would I still be kinky, would I be a different kind of person, etc etc.

quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

It depends...If my life was shitty but in the end it was best for those I love then let me suffer. But... if my life did not benefit or produce a loved one whats the use?

Butch

I sometimes wish I could see a "George Bailey" reel showing what life would have been like without me.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to dcnovice)

Post #: 32

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 9:43:00 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

My depression comes in a similar manner. I never want to die, just stop existing for a bit.
I hope you find some help and motivation. There are a lot of online resources now, even online therapy. Do they have any support groups near you for victims of abuse?

I miss my group therapy a lot. My group was geared towards sexual assault, and it was free. Rainn.org has a lot of good resources and you might find a group or free counseling that will help you?
There are also great suicide hotlines if you feel you need that.

I've lost an ex to suicide, I rarely talk about it. Just know, at the time of his death we were barely on speaking terms, but I miss him every single day. I really loved him and the void left has been indescribably painful. I'm sure, even if you don't see it, all of you struggling with this would leave similar voids in those you love. I hope you all find what you need and wish you all the best. <3

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 33

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 10:55:00 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

I think so. Kaiser has a few social groups, support groups, ill check out the rain website.

I do know that I bring a lot of joy and love to my family, and my beautiful dog. She's what I hold onto, she makes the long boring days not so bad.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

My depression comes in a similar manner. I never want to die, just stop existing for a bit.
I hope you find some help and motivation. There are a lot of online resources now, even online therapy. Do they have any support groups near you for victims of abuse?

I miss my group therapy a lot. My group was geared towards sexual assault, and it was free. Rainn.org has a lot of good resources and you might find a group or free counseling that will help you?
There are also great suicide hotlines if you feel you need that.

I've lost an ex to suicide, I rarely talk about it. Just know, at the time of his death we were barely on speaking terms, but I miss him every single day. I really loved him and the void left has been indescribably painful. I'm sure, even if you don't see it, all of you struggling with this would leave similar voids in those you love. I hope you all find what you need and wish you all the best. <3

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 34

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 10:58:27 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant
Wow. I try really hard not to go into my personal stuff, but this just blows my mind.

I guess it boils down to, on a certain level, obviously, for example, I am luckier than a person who has cerebral palsy for example. And no matter what situation you are in, of course you can always think of the gazillion people who are unluckier than you are and try to be happy with what you have.
And anyway, this whole thing is pointless, I am not here to convince positive people not to be positive. We all know positivity is probably the most important ingredient to succeed in life and to handle adversity. That's just general knowledge, but obviously, not everyone can do it. Positivity really takes effort, it's like running a 100 mile race, you gotta have the will to do it. Initially I said marathon, but marathon is too easy.

The topic is, if you knew you would have a shitty life, would you still choose existence. My life is not that shitty, I own my own home that is 90% paid up, 10k more to go, I'm only 33, I have fulfilled 90% of my bucket lists, I live my life to the fullest as much as I can, doing everything I love doing. When-ever I see an area or anything where I can give unconditionally or able to help someone unconditionally happily without feeling like I need appreciation or anything in return, I go forth and do it. For me, to do anything selfless, has to feel selfless. I won't do it, if it makes me unhappy doing it or because I'm peer pressured into it. That's why I take in stray cats, even those who non-responsive, are traumatized and will never respond to me. They give me nothing but lots of work, and I am not blessed to have children, so I choose to have cats as my children. I take full control of my life and I know I can drive it in all the areas where I can change.

But I am just saying, despite my not so shitty life, I would still choose to not exist, because, I think it is ridiculous that I have to be forced into the stomach of a woman who does not want me inside of her. It's unfair to her. That is something I can never change.

I have invaded her body without her permission. And I can never change that. I don't want her as my mom and she don't want me as her daughter. The feelings are mutual. But that can never be changed.

This whole topic is basically talking about something that is completely impossible to do, to choose to not exist before birth.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/10/2014 11:06:39 PM >

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 35

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 11:10:56 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

And the only advice I have for OP is. It's an impossible wish, so all you can do is march on, continue doing all the things that, if you think that doing that something can even make you 1% happy, then go forth and do it. Make it happen. Do it for the sake of doing something. When you have no direction and no will to live, then you simply start living day by day, think about something that will make you at least 1% happy and then do it, make it happen.

The other thing is, perhaps other posters may have mentioned it, sometimes, it's just a imbalance of chemicals in your brains that is causing these feelings, so, perhaps you might want to get diagnosed and get some medication to see if it made any difference.

A girlfriend of mine, claims that when she found her husband cheated, it was end of the world for her, but the medication opened up her brain and was able to help her to focus on helping herself rather than sink and wallow. It had a magical effect on her.

Not like that for everybody but medication does really help some people, while does not work on others.

I tried medication, it gave me headaches and lots of side effects which affected my ability to focus on work, I felt it hindered me in my life rather than helped me, and I didn't have the patience to stay with a doc to keep trying different things, and anyway, I was functioning and able to take care of myself, so...., I gave up medication. I didn't have the luck of my girlfriend to feel immediate effect, but no harm trying. I just stick with loads of sex and loads of intensive sports to keep all the natural happy endorphins making me high. The worst I feel, I increase the intensity of my work outs. It's kinda like torturing yourself instead of cutting yourself, healthy torture.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/10/2014 11:16:13 PM >

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 36

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 11:28:54 PM

AurumCaminus

Posts: 50
Joined: 10/30/2008
From: Cleveland, OH
Status: offline

OP

You assume that the life you live now would not still be appealing to a disembodied spirit.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 37

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/10/2014 11:51:26 PM

LittleGirlHeart

Posts: 1427
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

Gretta, I'm on oxcarbazine, generic for trileptal. It helps the bipolar manias, (to a large degree) and it helps the self harm destructive parts, but it doesn't help the rest, and Geodon ,.was absolutely useless.

_____________________________

We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing

(in reply to AurumCaminus)

Post #: 38

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/11/2014 9:53:44 AM

Zonie63

Posts: 2826
Joined: 4/25/2011
From: The Old Pueblo
Status: offline

I suppose if I could go back and make different choices in life, I might have done so.

One particularly toxic habit I had to learn to avoid was in comparing my life to others. Just as you say in your signature, "accept no one's definition of your life." I agree with that completely.

When I was growing up, I was told that I was a mistake. I was told that if abortion had been legal in 1963, I would have been aborted. I had an older brother who said things like "Everything was fine in this family until YOU came along." That's the original standard by which I would define my life and personal value in this world, and I dealt with it day after day, year after year. There's nothing worse in this world than being born to fucked-up parents and a fucked-up family. However, it wasn't until my parents died five years ago that I was able to put it all together and look at the situation more objectively.

Meds and psychotherapy might help to be able to reach a certain level of "functionality," but they don't always work and they're surely no panacea. They can't change the past and they can't really make the pain go away completely. But they might make things a little bit better.

I can barely conceive what life would be like if I had not existed. If I didn't exist, I would not know it. I would not have my memories, my experiences, my knowledge. I expect all of that to disappear at the moment of my death, that my brain, mind, consciousness will just shut down and that will be the end. In a thousand years, probably no one will even care who existed in our time or which individuals had wonderful lives or which ones had shitty lives.

All any of us can do is the best we can. There's no easy answers, no canned slogans that people can trot out to try to make people feel better. But there are some good things about life. When it's finally over through natural processes, then I'll accept that, but until that day, I'll just go along for the ride and do whatever I feel like doing along the way. If it doesn't measure up to society's standard, then fuck society. A lot of people in this society may already be living shitty lives, with the result that there are those who have seemingly made it their life's goal to make everyone else's life shitty, too. I wish I had known this earlier in life; it would have helped me to make sense of senseless situations I found myself in. I thought that there might have been some sort of logic that was eluding me, but there really isn't any logic to a lot of life's realities.

To me, life is a learning process; it's like a puzzle that has to be figured out, and the way I see it, there are still some more things I have to learn in this life.

(in reply to LittleGirlHeart)

Post #: 39

RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/11/2014 10:21:54 AM

kdsub

Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

I sometimes wish I could see a "George Bailey" reel showing what life would have been like without me.

dc...That thought could deserve a thread... especially this time of year.

It got me thinking of my impact on the human race. Just strictly keeping score... I have taken two lives that I know of and a good chance a few more I don't. I have saved two however so I guess I am even on that score.

I have brought into this world three all together so far.. One sad but so is a drug addicted burden... and another a fine human with a son I adore and both seem to be happy and content. So on that score I am ahead.

Inwardly I could be a lot better man... I've many things to be sorry for and wish i could do things over again. I have also had a fair amount of joy and a life filled with work i can be proud of.

Lastly... I hope I can face my demise with courage and grace... it is the last challenge of life... I hope to take away some fear of dying from those I love by my example. If i can do that my life will have been worth the air I breathed and the space i have taken.

Finally I'll bet every single person who has ever lived and had time to contemplate their death at the time of their death wishes they had done somethings differently...and if their life really mattered in the scheme of the universe.

dc... let me finish as your designated Clarence for today... You have given inspiration to me and I'm sure many with your public battle with your illness. You have shown the courage, grace, strength and hope that has truly made an impression in my mind. I don't know if that justifies all the pain and fear you have had to face but I thank you for that gift....heh did i just hear a bell ring!!!

Butch

< Message edited by kdsub -- 11/11/2014 11:13:04 AM >

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to dcnovice)

Post #: 40

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