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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 6:33:10 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
I can offer platitudes and comforting words, but I know that they never helped me much mainly because I could counter most everything and explain them away. I was a lot smarter than the people trying to help me. So, my style is a bit on the harsher side of things, but it is not intended to hurt, it is intended to get you to think.

I have said this more than once on these boards and I will say it again, our problems do not define who we are, how we handle our problems does. It is too easy to sit there and point to this or that in our lives and blame it for why we are miserable. It takes a great deal of courage to learn to cope with the bad things, and a lot of strength to learn to overcome them. My point is that we have a choice. I could trot out a laundry list of bad shit that happened to me, people who hurt me, people who used me, my own self-destructive behavior, my failures, my shattered dreams, and all the negative things in my life that have happened up to now, but how is that going to help you? It won't. What will help you is that I got through it all, felt what you have felt more than I ever care to, and I am here to talk about it. Pure, raw determination got me here, alive, a little worse for wear, and much wiser for the experience.

Gauge, I got only one thing to say. You are dealing with your issues in a very manly manner. Men just want to go straight to practical solutions and it's sorted.
Women, we need to constantly talk about our feelings and our emotions to heal, it's what we need. It doesn't help men, but it helps women. Just saying! I couldn't have picked myself up and basically still go acheive my goals IF I didn't have anybody I could whine to constantly about the same thing over and over again. At one point, it was a therapist as people do get sick of listening. But then my therapist got sick of listening to me too. It's like all these horrible bad negative feelings need to be verbalized to be released constantly, or it builds up and sinks me into deeper depression and ineptness, from moving forward, and it's a cycle and a process that keeps repeating itself, which helps me into constantly taking a step forward. It's what I needed and what helped me to still stay alive and be productive. It's also why sometimes crying is very therapeutic to women, not sure if it is to men to cry occasionally.

In practical terms, men always think, crying solves nothing, why cry. It's really very different. And I think men don't like talking about problems much because they feel, talking about it solves nothing, unless they are consulting an expert who can give them a solution. So it makes more sense to ignore the things that can't be solve and focus on things that you can change. Totally men thinking. Whereas, women just need to feel emotionally better to start taking action to do something, and that process involves, talking about what is bothering them, even though it's been talked to death.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/12/2014 6:41:20 PM >

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 6:43:09 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MariaB
There are some great coping mechanisms to help you through your darker days though and I'm more than happy to share them with you if you want.

Hi Maria,
I am open to listening to how you have coped, and see if any of it can be implemented in my life.

(in reply to MariaB)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:08:07 PM   
FieryOpal


Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		No hard feelings. (And I get to throw in another Thoreau saying, hehehe - It's either that or a kittypic.)

Consider yourself lucky that RO hasn't shown up with his slideshow of conspiracy gif images.




Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to Edwynn)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:09:33 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

Every day you sit there and wallow in all the bad shit that happened to you, those who hurt you win.


One of the things in my life that made me very self-destructive, because my mom would try to claim credit for any achievements I made, and it would made me sooo angry, because she infact was the one who made getting these achievements super harder for me, and thanks to my own efforts and my own will, I survived and got up there!

And it's a viscous cycle, like when she takes credit for it, I will destroy everything I have built just because I cannot stand she's taking credit for my work.

So and I feel that, the more I am a failure in life, the more badly it reflects on her. And the more she lose.

So for me, it's often a battle between total self-destruction as a vengeful rebellion against my mom, or be successful and make her look good. Because it pisses me off, that when I achieve something, she gets the praises, AS IF she's done such a great job in bringing me up.

My x-dom told me I was very self-destructive, it was one of the things that bothers him. I would do things to show that I could achieve it, because I can, and then throw everything away down the drain on purpose to spite my mom and humiliate her.

But anyway, my mom still wins, even with my x-dom, she convinced him that I would be a unfit mother for his children. She has successfully made sure that she destroy any relationship I ever have with men I loved. She is winning, and I cannot control how she can turn another human being who is suppose to love me against me. But at the same time, if any man wants to side my mom against me, screw him! She is such an actress, and if he wanna be so stupid to be fooled.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/12/2014 7:19:09 PM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:13:54 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
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quote:

In practical terms, men always think, crying solves nothing, why cry


Greta I'm not so sure men are that analytical when it comes to crying. I believe it is more a basic fear of being weak. When we feel the need to cry we fight for control. But... when alone and no one can hear we sob more than cry. Usually it is with anger at the hurt and our weakness.

Butch

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to Greta75)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:23:58 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub
Greta I'm not so sure men are that analytical when it comes to crying. I believe it is more a basic fear of being weak. When we feel the need to cry we fight for control. But... when alone and no one can hear we sob more than cry. Usually it is with anger at the hurt and our weakness.
Butch

Yes, but I don't know if biologically, men can get any stress relieved from crying. I feel like women can. Like if a female is too bogged down by multiple issues that is overwhelming and she cannot deal with the situation, burst of tears often kinda, in a way, calms her down and help her regroup. Does it ever do that for men ever?

My current boss always say, women crying is a great thing, if he counsels a female until she cries, she always comes back stronger and fight harder after that. That's in his 40 over years of management experience.

But he says, if he made a man cry, it means shit really hit the fan, that man cannot make it anymore, is completely collapsing and not gonna get up and keep going.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/12/2014 7:25:17 PM >

(in reply to kdsub)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:38:34 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		Of course I know crap... so it is just personal opinion based on myself. For me crying produces two things... neither one helps... anger and exhaustion.

Butch

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:45:54 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub
Of course I know crap... so it is just personal opinion based on myself. For me crying produces two things... neither one helps... anger and exhaustion.
Butch

Yes, and I think all of us women know that when a man cries, things are pretty dire.
But not alot of men, understand why crying helps women. So good to educate them, as they don't experience crying the same way, it's hard for them to understand.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/12/2014 7:46:14 PM >

(in reply to kdsub)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:47:14 PM   
Edwynn


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Joined: 10/26/2008
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I don't take that Gretta's experience is any much afar from what has happened so many times in her own country and in many other countries.

What I do think is that 'Westerners' should just listen and learn something new about the rest of the world, if that's not asking too much. She experiences these 'same things' differently, in a different light, as from a different social/cultural background.

I'm only somewhat interested in her 'personal problems,' as such, but how this affects her and the particulars of 'why' I think should be educational for those interested in any world beyond their own. It is for me, anyway.




< Message edited by Edwynn -- 11/12/2014 7:52:20 PM >

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 7:52:59 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Edwynn

Please read back, I was responding to the idiot who said I called LGH 'worthless,' and if you can't understand the response to that, then there's no use in going further. Yeah, I knew what you meant (in your case), but some responder obviously didn't know what you, I, or anyone else meant.

And again, it perplexes me that nobody attacks the idiots, only the temporarily (I assure you on that point) 'angry.'

Why is it that everybody comes up with the fantastic ability to throw in my face how I missed this or that distinction, and then expect me to take them seriously when they completely overlook the cause.

I am frikkin' tired of all this "Spontaneous and Selective Comprehension" phenomena, I truly am.


If I misunderstood you, then you have my apology and let's leave it there.




_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Edwynn)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:02:06 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Gauge, I got only one thing to say. You are dealing with your issues in a very manly manner. Men just want to go straight to practical solutions and it's sorted.
Women, we need to constantly talk about our feelings and our emotions to heal, it's what we need. It doesn't help men, but it helps women. Just saying! I couldn't have picked myself up and basically still go acheive my goals IF I didn't have anybody I could whine to constantly about the same thing over and over again. At one point, it was a therapist as people do get sick of listening. But then my therapist got sick of listening to me too. It's like all these horrible bad negative feelings need to be verbalized to be released constantly, or it builds up and sinks me into deeper depression and ineptness, from moving forward, and it's a cycle and a process that keeps repeating itself, which helps me into constantly taking a step forward. It's what I needed and what helped me to still stay alive and be productive. It's also why sometimes crying is very therapeutic to women, not sure if it is to men to cry occasionally.

In practical terms, men always think, crying solves nothing, why cry. It's really very different. And I think men don't like talking about problems much because they feel, talking about it solves nothing, unless they are consulting an expert who can give them a solution. So it makes more sense to ignore the things that can't be solve and focus on things that you can change. Totally men thinking. Whereas, women just need to feel emotionally better to start taking action to do something, and that process involves, talking about what is bothering them, even though it's been talked to death.



I do not believe that there is a difference between men or women regarding how to solve problems. It doesn't matter how we get to the solution, what matters is that we get there at all.

As far as crying goes, I learned a long, long time ago that it was OK to cry. I used to bottle things inside of me, and it damn near killed me. I grew up around men who didn't show emotion, and I was different than that, I felt everything and yet I believed that I had to keep it to myself. I might not be the typical guy, but I can tell you that I know that if it has to come out of me, then I just let it go and it is very cleansing.


_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:04:15 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
I might not be the typical guy, but I can tell you that I know that if it has to come out of me, then I just let it go and it is very cleansing.

My x-dom cries in happiness and in absolute desolation. I don't think it makes him less manly, but brings me closer to him that he would share such a personal and intimate moment with me.

So I definitely think it's great if it does have therapeutic effects.

(in reply to Gauge)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:05:34 PM   
smileforme50


Posts: 1623
Joined: 1/24/2013
From: DelaWHERE(?)
Status: offline 		~FRing....

I haven't read this entire thread so I'm not going to comment specifically on what anyone else has said, but I will say that a few things that I read have made me say to myself "Now there's something I hadn't considered before...."

Someone said in a previous post, basically, that it's not a good thing to compare our own lives to someone else's....even if doing so makes us thankful that we don't have the life that they do. For me, I think the complete opposite. For me, reminding myself that things could be worse has been a major coping mechanism that is exactly what has helped me make it from one day to the next. As far as I'm concerned, if it works, do it.

Like I said, I know people have had things much worse than me, but what stresses me out the most is how long a problem continues for me and the frustration I feel trying to solve the problem....but nothing seems to work. I try my best to rationally think...."Ok....how do I fix this or at least make the best of it?" So I think of some possibilities and I look into them and find out what I can...only to discover that those solutions aren't feasible for one reason or another. It's those times, after I have tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried....only to have roadblocks thrown in front of me and be knocked back down to the same place I started, that I get so frustrated and can no longer think of anymore possible solutions that I can get to the point where I start questioning if it's even worth it anymore.

I will say that after many, many years of tremendous frustration and feeling like Sisyphus, things might actually be changing for me. But it isn't because of anything special I did, it is simply because of some interesting twists of fate in my life that just fell into my lap. In my case, hard work got me nowhere....Luck was all it took.

To answer the question asked in the title of the topic....if I knew my life was going to turn out the way it has, would I still want to have been born? I'd have to say no....I would have rather not been born. Even though things might finally be looking up for me, if I would have known ahead of time that I was going to have to put up with the shit that I have for so many years as long as I have, I would have rather not. Up to this point, at least, it has not been worth it. *shrug*

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(in reply to Greta75)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:09:59 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		This topic always made me wondered how many people actually would choose life if given a choice. And if that is the reason why they don't make euthanasia legal, because they know if they did, majority would actually choose not to live.

But in a way, I think they should make euthanasia legal, because, let the ones who really wants to live, live. And the ones who do not, die. I mean, we want choices in so many things but we cannot choose to live or die. That's kinda against human right in a way.

(in reply to smileforme50)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:18:12 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		People are sooo different... When my mother died I didn't cry...and that bothered me for a long time. I wondered if there was something wrong with me... could I not feel emotional pain like others... do I really love? Yet at times music can bring tears to my eyes so can a story of charity to another human being.... but only when no one can see me. The mind is such a mystery... I hope science never figures it out and explains away our feelings as some damn survival instinct. It would take the romance and glory from life.

Butch

< Message edited by kdsub -- 11/12/2014 8:21:03 PM >

_____________________________

Mark Twain:

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:21:21 PM   
LookieNoNookie


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleGirlHeart

I think if I knew everything I have gone through and live with, I would choose not to exsist.


Exist.

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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:23:14 PM   
Edwynn


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I can only say that Gretta and smileforme have valid points, but just the ability to hear them out (along with the OP) with out question or judgement tells me that I must be doing something right.

I hope that they realize that they are doing something right also, and have been doing so all along.

(in reply to Greta75)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:28:55 PM   
Edwynn


Posts: 4105
Joined: 10/26/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LookieNoNookie
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleGirlHeart

I think if I knew everything I have gone through and live with, I would choose not to exsist.


Exist.


That is excellent, and I am not being facetious or snarky.

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)
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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:30:33 PM   
Edwynn


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The one inarguable is existence.

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RE: if you knew you would have a shitty life, and could... - 11/12/2014 8:38:41 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


People are sooo different... When my mother died I didn't cry...

Maybe because you knew she was going to a better place.
The man who I feel is more of my father than my own father is my grandpa. My happiest childhood was with him, until I was forced to live with my parents, so he was the time before my nightmare started.

But I didn't shed a tear when he died. He begged for his death as he suffered alot at the end, with brain tumour, lung cancer, and a fractured hip, all the morphine could not ease his pain. I felt he went to a better place and I was happy for him.

(in reply to kdsub)
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